Barking up a lot of weird trees in 2015

It is New Year’s resolution time again as countless people pledge once more to return to the gym stop smoking or. But though most of us are content to commit to rather simple goals, there are those who strive for more. 

Jacob Zuma
Pay back the money? Hehehehehe. Oh stop, I can’t breathe. Hehehe, oh my goodness I needed that, wooo, man I crack myself up sometimes. Pay back fokkol!

I will publish a full list of questions I will allow MPs to ask me in Parliament.

So far these include: How are you? Can I have your autograph? If you, Superman and Batman, got into a fight, how badly would you beat both of them?

Dan Roodt
Dagvaar the Daily Show en Marxistiese feminazi Rebecca Davis vir R10-miljoen, R100-miljoen, R10-biljoen, R1 000-triljoen.

Koop buikspraakpop. Slaan buikspraakpop stukkend met krieketkolf.

As Steve bel, moenie optel nie. Bladdie Steve.

Gebruik Rebecca ‘Bruid van Stalin’ Davis se R1 000-triljoen om tydmasjien te bou. Gaan woon in 1843.

Roodt refused to answer in English – he threatened to do to us what he did with that “donnerse pop” when we insisted. Roughly translated, he said:

Sue the Daily Show and Marxist feminazi Rebecca Davis for R1 000-trillion.

Buy ventriloquist’s dummy. Bash ventriloquist’s dummy to pieces with cricket bat.

If Steve calls, don’t pick up. Bloody Steve.

Use Rebecca “Bride of Stalin” Davis’s R1 000-trillion to build a time machine. Go and live in 1843.

Steve Hofmeyr
Make racially inflammatory statement purporting to defend Afrikaans but make it in English to get maximum retweets.

Start studio work on O Maar Jou Poffer-Baadjie Is Blou 2 (Oh, But Your Bubble Jacket Is Blue 2). Talk to manager about a new songwriting computer that can do more edgy stuff. Want to sing about the dispossession and genocide of my people. Does anything rhyme with “Red October”? Sock-tober? Brainstorm sock- and stocking themes with manager.

Don’t use Dan for anything ever again. Maybe my laundry. Though he always gets so obsessed about separating whites from colours … ugh, just don’t use Dan for anything.

Andile Mngxitama
Angrily reject the so-called “New Year” as a Eurocentric construct of linear time designed to force indigenous peoples into capitalist labour.

Angrily accept January pay cheque of R70 000. The things I do for my people …

The cast of Generations
Don’t read the comments in the Sowetan or City Press. Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

Learn the lines. If unable to learn all the lines, learn some of the lines.

If unable to learn some of the lines, make it up as you go along. It can’t be worse than what’s on the page.

Invest in clean coal and radioactive wind to power new French-Russian nuclear-coal-solar-oil power stations. Is that right? Wait … coal … nuclear … shit, this is hard. Did anyone here do standard grade science? No? So what’s the business plan? Invest in candle factories? That’s not even funny, comrade. I wish I’d never been redeployed here …

Mamphela Ramphele
Find out why nobody is responding to my Please Call Me’s.

AB de Villiers
Get to the World Cup semifinal.

Explain what went wrong in World Cup semifinal.

Tim Noakes
Cash royalty cheques.

Cash more royalty cheques.

Remember to thank my critics, who sell more of my books every time they mention my name.

Write new book in ink made of liquefied R200 notes on pages made of pulped R200 notes.

Sign new book contract in bacon fat, toast myself with caviar on crackers made of compressed manatee blubber. Damn, but life is good.

Post Office
Our New Year’s resolution for 2011 is … what? It’s not 2011? Yes it is. It is. It says so right here on this delivery schedule. Shut up! No, you shut up!

(Editor’s note: This is satire, though it looks suspiciously like fact.)


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