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Jacob Zuma: I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Parliamentary jester and life of the party – the ANC party, that is – Jacob Zuma will today take time out from laughing all the way to Nkandla to finally answer questions posed by members of Parliament.

This is the president’s first appearance for an oral session since the great “pay back the money” debacle of 2015. (The year’s not over yet and I, for one, hope we – or rather the president – can put this great trend to rest by facing the music, which is starting to sound a lot like a repetitive and very boring drum and base track.)

The South African public has given up on any semblance of accountability by the government and needs the next big presidential scandal to look forward to. Come on JZ, we know you have it in you.

While South African citizens wait with bated breath in the hope Zuma will, independently and of his own will, stand accountable for some of the points raised in public prosecutor Thuli Madonsela’s Nkandla report – even though none of the six questions listed mention the homestead – the president, once again, offers a tune of his own.

Disclaimer: The South African public is rather disappointed that he did not choose to parody the country’s second and more demographically relatable national anthem, Mandoza’s Nkalakatha.

Instead, in a surprise move, JZ has taken a page out of Starship’s songbook and turned one of their famous stadium rock anthems on its head in an effort to come clean.

What can we say, the president has a knack for this sort of thing. Remember that old hip-hop jam he hashed out?

The president invites you to celebrate his latest response with the obligatory head-bang, sky-punching and compulsory overbite.

We know you can’t wait, so without further hesitation, here you go, compliments of your rockin’ president.

”I built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Say you all know me, you recognise my face

Say that you care about Nkandla, I don’t regret that place

Knee deep in the hoopla, keeping out of sight

Too many questions, pay back the money, not my kind of fight

Maharaj plays the doctor, spinning on the radio, here’s a reminder

I built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

I built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Someone’s always playing political games

Well, let me share the names

I’m the leader of the pack and today I’ll take the stage

You call me irresponsible, I am so write me off the page

Maharaj plays the doctor, spinning on the radio, here’s a reminder

I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

I built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull

Built Nkandla, I built Nkandla on cock-and-bull.”

The president realises you don’t know the words yet, but in the spirit of the original song, he hopes it will become an earworm, and soon the country will be able to sing along in unison.

He also has grand ambitions that his legacy will ­contain this superior piece of music, instead of being remembered for the Nkandla debacle itself.

* And all together … overbite.

 

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