How to lose weight on the millennial diet


Every other day there are articles written by Generation Ageism about how millennials are lazy and entitled. As you can imagine for that still-thriving group of elders, being on the chubbier side can’t be anything more than gluttony and a lack of self-control. Thyroid problems are a myth Oprah invented to increase viewership. Being short and stout while living in the age of consumption and waste has taken a toll on me. With absolutely no background or training in healthcare, I bring you the Millennial Lifestyle to get to back on ‘waifish’ heroin-chic track and exceed your weight-loss goals. 

  1. Get a job that pays
    Get a job that pays in exposure and experience. How many calories does exposure have? That’s right – none. Talking about your cool new job will also burn calories, but be careful your breath may be a little harsh from hunger and watery Ricoffy.
  2. Walk and cycle… everywhere
    The last time you got into a moving conveyance without paying for it was most likely your parent’s car or a friend who has the means or parents to buy them one. If you’re a protest stalwart you might have been in a police van too (they really ought to do something about making those seats comfortable). Well, with your cool non-payi – I mean payment-free employment – you will walk. Walk to work, school, protests, everywhere. To really drive the point home about your environmentally-savvy nature cycle if you can afford a bike. Look at you getting healthy while dodging imminent death at the hands of vexed motorists!
  3. Get more than one job 
    We live in a world where work ethic, specifically a Calvinist attitude to work is prized above all else. You’re probably under-employed and over-qualified and thinking long and hard about standing at traffic light asking for a job. Don’t be ungrateful – use that to your advantage. All that running around sure does make you look like a drug-addled rake. If you notice your immune system failing don’t sniffle too much. To them that’s a sign of rampant drug use somewhere. If your hair is thinning tell them it’s for research purposes because one tiny complaint will have them clutching their pearls and sermonising at length about how they didn’t have ANYTHING and still managed to look after themselves.
  4. Live in a dodgy area 
    Need motivation to go for a run? Carry whatever valuables you have and go for a sprint – preferably at night. The exhilaration of possibly losing your stuff, running in near darkness and the stench of fear is unparalleled. Look at you go!
  5. Drink lots of water 
    Weight loss studies from some university you can’t afford to attend say water intake can help you achieve your weight loss goals. Drink it, it’s not like you can afford anything else.
  6. Try intermittent fasting
    Fasting doesn’t have to be anything linked to religion. I fast intermittently. I eat at weekends when visiting my parents who for some reason are always away when I make plans with them. Skip a day of food and you’ll notice your focus is laser-sharp from trying not to amble into oncoming traffic and clear sliding doors. It could also solve your social media addiction by making you avoid all those shiny, happy people on Instagram sharing all their exotic food porn and restaurant dates.
  7. Sleep when you’re dead 
    Sleep deprivation is good for the CIA and for you too. Deadlines from that job that pays you very little, coupled with hunger pangs will do wonders for you. Can’t sleep?  Try lunging at your housemates for stealing your last slice of bread. Read a book – maybe one about ponzi schemes or growing your own herbs, especially THAT herb. At least there’s food and shelter in jail but sadly, no internet.

When baby-boomers and the rest tell you how entitled and privileged you are because all you want is for fees, sexism, racism, unpaid labour and whatever else some long-dead generation invented to fall; tell them they raised you and contributed to your current understanding of the world.

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Kiri Rupiah
Kiri Rupiah is the online editor at the Mail & Guardian.

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