(Reuters)
THE FIFTH COLUMN
Report of the Mdluli Detachment to His Excellent Highness Number One: State of Various Contenders for ANC Presidency in Run-up to December Elective — Only Fifty Days to Go till Conference!
(Note: This document has been edited for readability by a retired British spy.)
Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma: Is there a hyphen in her surname or not? She officially changed it in, what, 1998? — when the good doctor got divorced from Your Magnificence — and as far as we can see she didn’t hyphenate. So why is she being called “The Hyphenate”, and why does the media of the capitalist running dogs insist on placing that hyphen in her name? It is obviously a plot of the Western powers and their agents in South Africa to diminish her status by linking her by hyphen to Your Excellency, whom they have smeared with all sorts of unfounded dirt. We all know NDZ is so much more than the ex-wife of the president! In our opinion, she needs to start showing that “more”, and perhaps replace Bathabile-wouldn’t-melt-in-her-mouth Dlamini as her chief cheerleader. People are asking if Bathabile is her sister. And not in a nice way. Oh, and NDZ also needs a personality transplant.
Baleka Mbete: Not much to report. The madam spends her time getting manicures and pedicures, and watching the value of her Gold Fields shares on the stock exchange. Her turbans are still better than NDZ’s, though.
Lindiwe Sisulu: Yes, she says all the right things, and she’s ANC royalty, blah blah, but, in CIA-speak, she ain’t gonna get nowhere with that hair. The fact that she spends so much money getting it to look like she was dragged backwards through a hedge is a sure sign that her campaign is doomed. And those fingernails …
Zweli Mkhize: Okay, here we have to admit the man has a better spy network than ours. So we don’t know if what we know is the truth or it’s just what we’ve been fed by his gang. But that’s appropriate, because he’s the Dark Horse, right? Nudge nudge.
Cyril Ramaphosa: The deputy prez’s campaign continues up surge uphill. Look at this coffee-table book he’s just had published, with all those glorious pictures of his many, many cattle. And such big horns! It’s outrageous — he’s undermining the president. You, Excellency, have the most famous cattle kraal in the country, which even required special security arrangements! (See Culvert, Secure in Comfort report.) The comfort, security and mobility of Your Highness’s cattle cost the nation millions, so they should be more famous than Cyril’s. We suggest you get some more — with extra-big horns. And herd them to Midrand in December. Voting cattle, you might say. That’s funny. Only other option, really, is to charge Cyril with treason for having better cattle than you.