Floyd, Iqbal and Mrs Doubtfire

THE FIFTH COLUMN

Late last week, doubtless smarting from accusations that he took monies funnelled from the collapsed VBS bank, Floyd Shivambu launched a stinging attack on Pravin Gordhan, the former minister of finance and present minister of public enterprises.

According to Floyd, who is of course the Economic Freedom Fighters’ (EFFs’) leading ideologue, Gordhan is actually the minister of everything — he has been running the government, secretly, behind the backs of the Zumas and Guptas, for years. In fact, Gordhan was running the whole struggle (for personal gain, of course) from way back in about 1965.

We shouldn’t take this lightly. Floyd is an intelligent man, one who was able to recycle a lot of ancient Marxism-Leninism (circa 1917) into a manifesto for the EFF when the party was launched a few years ago. Anyone who can construct such a magnificent ideological fantasy should be taken seriously, even if he was financed by some dodgy provincial building society.

Anyway, all that money was part of the conspiracy too, sent his way just to destroy his reputation as a spotlessly non-corrupt politician.

But I think he might have got something wrong in his anti-Gordhan screed. Isn’t he perhaps confusing Gordhan with George Soros? Soros, of course, is the sitting leader of the Illuminati, who control the world and all its financial flows and political upheavals, chiefly to enrich themselves and maintain their power.


Or perhaps it’s that Soros and Gordhan are actually the same person, using clever disguises, à la Mrs Doubtfire — disguises switched in the toilets during international flights — to pretend they are two different beings.

That’s nearly as scary as the conspiracy against Dr Iqbal “Toothy” Survé, who used to be Nelson Mandela’s podiatrist but now owns what he calls “one of the largest media companies in South Africa” — that is, the Independent Media stable. Conspiring against Dr Survé is Tiso Blackstar, a competing media company. Dr Survé revealed this in a rant-from-the-owner placed modestly on the front pages of his various papers.

That poor Tiso publication, the Sunday Times, had just done a big mea culpa about its fake news production and Dr Survé decided to kick it while it was down.

They are hypocrites and racists, he roared, peddling lies about him and his glorious enterprises purely because he has been so incredibly successful. Not only did they lie about the South African Revenue Service “rogue unit” and the Cato Manor “death squad”, they lied about him, Saint Iqbal, too!

Worse, Dr Survé whines, Tiso publications keep mentioning his name in connection with his companies, but they consistently neglect to call him “Doctor”. This is clearly a sign of who the “puppet masters” are, and we can certainly join the dots — after all, “Tiso” actually stands for “two input single output” (look it up), and that’s what Gordhan-Soros does all the time, right?

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Author Shaun de Waal
Shaun De Waal

Shaun de Waal has worked at the Mail & Guardian since 1989. He was literary editor from 1991 to 2006 and chief film critic for 15 years. He is now editor-at-large. Recent publications include Exposure: Queer Fiction, 25 Years of the Mail & Guardian and Not the Movie of the Week.

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