Friday eds’ note
Choosing yourself is one of the most revolutionary things you can do as a human being. For most of us, our default setting is to put other things and other people before what we, as individuals, actually want and/or need.
We’d rather say “no” to ourselves and “yes” to someone else, in order that they think we’re magnanimous or kind, depending on what you want them to feel about you.
And choosing yourself consistently becomes an even greater challenge the more life demands of us.
At the beginning of the year, most people are still sluggish from the festivities of the Big Days, so we’re able to stick to the quiet promises we’ve made to ourselves about how we’ll approach the new year.
For the first two weeks of the year — maybe even the first four weeks if you’re lucky — we’re able to hit the gym, cook healthy meals and finally take up meditation, like we’ve been planning to.
Then the meetings start furiously coming in, clients pick up briefs they conveniently forgot about in late November and suddenly we’re off to the races and our commitment to ourselves begins to wane.
Soon, you’re eating lunch in front of your laptop and not spending as much time diligently planning what to put on your plate beyond focusing on sustenance, so you don’t faint between meetings.
Fewer breaks, less physical movement and less stillness eventually make “20twentyfree” look like just another year of capitalist incarceration, instead of an opportunity to see if, for the first time in your life, you can choose not to betray yourself and be consistent.
Make no mistake, I’m writing these words to myself as much as I’m writing them for you. I would rather neglect my hunger so I can meet a deadline; miss exercising instead of a meeting. It breaks my heart that I’d rather have people congratulate my work ethic than focus on how great I feel after I’ve taken some time for myself — no matter how short.
But I forget something fundamental about human beings — the more you say “yes” to people, the more they want. Saying “yes” consistently doesn’t make people more understanding the day you say “no”. There’s no medal for people who sacrifice their wellbeing for the sake of other people or the companies that employ them.
On my first day back at work this year, I find myself on the phone with visual artist and creative director Masonwabe Ntloko to discuss the one-of-a-kind cover he’s going to design specifically for Mail & Guardian Friday.
As a huge fan of his work, I was honoured that he’d do that for us and on that call — discussing life, Xhosa culture, the elitist mentality in the art world — he says something I’m going to carry with me beyond 2023.
“When I was younger, nobody chose me. I wasn’t the favourite anything … not student, cousin, nothing. I was just me and so not being chosen by others made me always choose myself. I realised that I didn’t need to be chosen to be whole.
“That’s why I find it fascinating now that people see me and think it’ll make a difference if they tell me they like my work or not. Your opinion doesn’t count. I know my work is fire,” said Ntloko.
I found his conviction inspiring. Ntloko has said “no thanks” to clients who thought that they were better designers just because they were signing his cheque.
His peace, doing what he loves and being respected for it, continues to be his number one driver, not securing the bag or garnering public admiration. Masonwabe Ntloko is not here to impress you so you validate him. He creates, for himself, in the hope that the art will resonate with us.
What I took from that almost hour-long conversation is that choosing yourself is really an act of defiance. You’re no good to anyone if you’re always last on your own list; in fact, self-sacrifice teaches people that your needs don’t matter.
If your own needs don’t matter to you, why would they matter to your boss? Choosing yourself is an act of self-love in a world that says everything else matters more — your children, your bank account, your deadlines, friends, family responsibility, et cetera.
But this year, let’s choose ourselves not because it’s the right thing to do (which it obviously is) but because betraying yourself is a shitty feeling.
I guess I’m saying, we might all benefit from giving less to other people so we’re not left with scraps for ourselves at the end of another long day or year.
I want to stick to my goal of taking better care of myself this year, and beyond, not because I just want to lose weight so I can look the way I did back in 2014 (it would be nice, but I’m also not that girl anymore) but because I like myself when I’m fit. We all feel stronger after doing something empowering and creative.
No doubt, life will do what it does best, which is to basically kick us in the gonads and then serve beautiful memories in equal measure.
So, in 2023, let’s stay steady when the road gets bumpy, let’s honour our promises to ourselves and remind ourselves that, in every 24 hours, we can and we should ring-fence at least three hours just for ourselves. It’s not a lot to ask (because the rest of the time you’ll either be working or sleeping).
I wish you good health, wealth and abundance this year. Here’s to choosing you!