These days most South African celebrities make a lot more money from personal appearances than they do on the airwaves, writes Katy Bauer
WHEN I phoned the SABC this week and asked to speak to Dorianne Berry, the receptionist said she didn’t think anyone by that name worked there. But it wouldn’t be fair to single out Berry as being especially old hat. There are plenty of other die-hard broadcasting darlings out there still riding the wave of celebrity. The good news for any lingering fans is most of them are for hire.
South Africa’s corporate population is conference mad, and celebrity speakers are all the rage. Any self-respecting seminar/conference/dinner/launch organiser knows the best way to sell their event is to have “a name” topping the bill. The new celebrity speaker elite includes, Radio 702’s John Robbie (R5 000-R7 500), Dan Moyane (R4 000-R7 000) and the only print journalist in the catalogue, Shaun Johnson (R4 000-R6 800). The old celebrity millinery fits most of the precocious newcomers perfectly which is a moral saving if not a financial one for tentative new South Africans.
Felicia Mabuza-Suttle and her husband Earl are one of the most expensive double acts around. “Do you want to be a turkey down in the gutter, or an eagle up in the sky?” croons motivation evangelist Earl to an enthralled corporate audience. “If you don’t take control of your life someone else will.” Two days with the aphorism- oozing couple will set you back around R30 000.
Prices for a 45-minute celebrity speech range from R3 000 to R8 000. This does not include VAT or the required business-class travel to and from distant functions, and if you want anyone to travel out of their area — work on a 10km radius of Johannesburg’s Sandton City — then this sum can surge a further 50%. Considering paltry media salaries, the income supplement seems fair.
Ex-advertising man and shock therapy survivor Mike Lipkin is as bold about money as he is about everything else. “Let me share something with you, Katy,” he says generously. “Some American celebrities make 25 thousand dollars for giving a speech.” To coin one of Mike’s favourite mantras, “Makes you think doesn’t it?” (Lipkin speaks nearly every day, often more than once. At around R6 000 a pop — makes you think doesn’t it?)
The question of who qualifies for local fame is fairly straightforward: they generally don’t appear in movies or anything else particularly entertaining, creative or enlightening. But surf the airwaves, pausing at anyone who’s badly lit and dressed head to waist courtesy of John Orrs, and you’ll have found a South African celebrity. Television, though a popular choice, is not the only source of desirable speakers. All media are suitable, although dusty newsroom hacks are not favoured. Otherwise, selection seems fairly undiscerning. Anyone who is involved in or has been featured by the media, who’s never said anything rude on air will do.
There are various agents devoted to the task of linking the right celebrity with the right client. (“They’re not agents. They’re receptionists with cigars.” — Mark Banks.) Training, Topics and Speakers is the directory where most agencies advertise. This quintessential guide lists dozens of speakers who will tell you how to “take your human potential to the limit”, discuss “body language — the silent sounds” and teach you to “unleash your creativity” among other things.
The ads show lots of pasty grey men in pasty grey suits and colourfully made-up women in red, green, yellow and polka dotted outfits — all grinning madly. Suddenly your heart skips a beat as you spot a familiar face. Lester Venter (political commentator, R4 000 + VAT), Adrian Steed, Des Lindberg, Dawn Lindberg, Gary Bailey (soccer commentator (R4 000-R5 000 + VAT), Nadia Bilchik (M-Net continuity) Chris Gibbons (Radio 702, R4 000-R6 000). More “stars” than you can shake a stick at. Penny Smythe, Dorianne Berry and Adrian Steed all price themselves differently for each occasion. Affluent TV star Dali Tambo makes no paid public appearances, and Anglo American’s talk guru Clem Sunter says he gives any fee he makes to charity.
The celebrity speakers are available for a variety of events. Most popular are large corporate functions, but some will even attend an intimate dinner at your home. Not all speakers will accept all engagements, although Mike Lipkin gets close. Most speak about expertise in their own fields, others believe they have something more profound to contribute. Veteran entertainer Dawn Lindberg’s approach falls into the latter category. “My speech is fairly long,” she admits. “It’s divided into five parts —the five decades of my life.”
Her public address begins humbly: “When I was a little girl, I thought I was ugly. I realised very early on that whatever I wanted to achieve was going to have to come from hard work rather than pretty smiles.” Dawn delights her audiences with these and other revelations. However, her account of subsequent glory days makes it clear that Dawn has managed to discard the shackles of self-effacement. (“I’m a very popular speaker.”)
Carte Blanche presenter Derek Watts’s bashful account of some of his most embarrassing moments (a large man and loather of fancy dress, he was once required to hold forth from the confines of a too small, medieval court jester outfit) is testament that brash self- assurance is not the style of all celebrity speech makers. He mingles affably with the crowd he is hired to address and professes to actually enjoy meeting anyone who hasn’t been huddled in a Kombi with him for days on end trying to find a story.
The ability to absorb strangers graciously is perhaps the natural disposition of most celebrities. Comedian-speaker Mark Banks is an exception to the rule. “I’m not going to get stuck next to some old bag who tells me her daughter’s a bare-foot water ski champion and that her relatives come from the same town as mine, even if they don’t, just to make me feel comfortable,” he rattles breathlessly. Banks’s “last to arrive/first to leave” tactic is unusual though and has at times been considered rude. “I have a fear of people I don’t know, anyway I tell them that I’m hired to make everyone laugh, not to stand around making small talk about their grandchildren!”
Topics and styles vary somewhat but their rising success is proof that a lot of people think celebrity speakers possess some magical power of insight that might enrich their own lives.
Unfortunately, most “losers” who want to be “winners” can’t afford the fee. So here’s a free lesson, courtesy of one of Lipkin’s telephone answer machines: “Once upon a time, man went to God and said ‘Give me more time’. And God said to man ‘Give me more YOU’. Makes you think, doesn’t it?” (huh?)
* Felicia Mabuza-Suttle Television presenter
Anyone else with this much self-esteem would choke on it — not Felicia. She just keeps sticking her fingers into pies and pulling out Krugerrands. Advertisers might not like her, but audiences can’t get enough. This chick co-ordinates more than just her outfits.
Fee: A lot (variable).
* Earl Suttle
Felicia’s American pie who’s evangelist style is all Yank and sends the crowd wild.
Fee: Ask his wife.
* Dawn Lindberg Entertainer
Dawn’s “very popular” delivery comes in three exciting variations: “Every Day is an Opening Night”, “Getting Your Act Together” and “Nerve Versus Verve”. She believes that “everyone has a part to play in our rainbow musical”. If being ugly as a kid didn’t stop Dawn from making herself heard, I guess nothing will.
Fee: about R4 000
* Mark Banks Comedian
Does not adapt verses from “I’m OK/ You’re OK”. Doesn’t mind making a tit of himself. Has been a human cannon ball and will do most things except mingle. He’s opening at the Playhouse in Durban soon and would like this space to plug it.
Fee: R5 000 + VAT in Johannesburg area. About R6 000 elsewhere.
* Derek Watts M-Net presenter
Very tall man who’s too busy slogging away at television journalism to do much talking these days. Don’t be fooled by his peculiar appearance at the Miss South Africa pageant, he claims to be easily embarrassed and will not MC your daughter’s wedding dressed as a fairy.
Fee: R5 000 + VAT in the Johannesburg area. R6 500 + VAT elsewhere.
* Barry Ronge Journalist
Super-popular speaker who’s currently off the circuit. His millions of media jobs keep him so busy, it’s a wonder he can speak at all.
Fee: For the moment, priceless.