Robert Kirby : Loose cannon
Granthurst High Security Pre-Release Cellblock North Hampshire January 19 1998
My dear Mr Mandela
I have heard that you might well be soon looking for a new political heavy to run one of your richer provinces into the ground. One of your UK talent scouts advised me to apply to you directly. “The doors to Mr Mandela’s heart and offices are always wide open,” she said. “Just like the ones in South African prisons.”
The great grim prison doors which these last few years have been severely limiting my own expressively reprehensible ways are about to swing wide. I am sure that, as an ex-con yourself, you know how it is when, having paid your debt to society, you get cloaked in a feeling of optimism and opportunity as the magic release day looms.
My own parole release date — after only 3 of the original 47 years I got for 162 counts of fraud, bribery, corruption, swindling of pension funds and so on (documents in the possession of the Mail & Guardian) — is the end of next week. It’s amazing how lenient a Home Secretary can suddenly become when you say you’ve got evidence his son tried to sell several Thai-sticks to Cherie Blair (documents in possession of Rupert Murdoch).
In short, I’m about to lurch forth into the big wide world again. I’m looking for a job which will give me a chance to prove myself once and for all as a self-righteous hustler with a master’s degree in hypocrisy, fraudulence and full-frontal perjury.
Here I am, a nominally sociopathic 56-year- old with a wide-ranging list of previous grave offences, who’s never had the chance to hold down a decent defence, has never told the truth for more than 30 seconds, has been known to viciously beat up old ladies on walking frames so as to get at their VitaBona tonic water and, in my case, with a developed taste in young Vaseline- fed Indonesian boys, newer model BMWs, absconding with other people’s money, heroin and Ecstasy. What’s more, I have a valid driver’s licence acquired by totally dubious means. In the light of the above experience I’d like to apply for a top job in your organisation (documents in the possession of Mbongeni Ngema).
When it comes to political miscreance, I am top-drawer-stuff (documents in the possession of DanChurch). In my twenties I was a bouncer for President Hugo Peasante- Morte of Uruguay, moving on to being a roving financial and overseas charity-money hit-man for two Nigerian presidents. I had postings to Paris, Moscow, Zurich and also became close friends with Mr Emmanuel Shaw I (documents in the posession of Fink Haysom). As for all this talk about taking the “con” out of African National Congress, give me the chance and I’ll help squeeze it right back in again (documents in the possession of Mpumalanga Housing Trust).
You’ll also be pleased to know I am a practicing two-faced Christian. It started when I was helping out some homicidal ragheads plant a bomb on a 747. I impersonated Pastor Jimmy Abbott in order to get the Semtex on board hidden in my Bible (documents in possession of Arrive Alive Campaign). Since then the feeling of being able to claim God and your Libyan colonel friend as partners has just grown.
My long pensive years in solitary have turned me into a spectacular wanker. While inside I’ve been spokesperson for the Release Myra Hindley Committee (documents in the possession of Baroness Emma Nicholson), the closing down of the notorious Group-Sodomy Punishment cells (documents in the possession of Ian Woodall) and sundry other dedicated brown- nosing (documents in the possession of Will Bernard).
When, at the age of 9, I first went down to Pentonville Junior Offenders, I discovered that lockup soon turns to cockup. The easiest path to anal shelf-life was to make a complete twat of myself every time I opened my mouth. If no warder could resist me, no millennium-fearing democracy should spurn my rhetorical talents. I can turn out yards of inflammatory, self-pitying, rabble-maddening bullshit with the best of them. Next to me, your Omar chappie would sound like George Steiner.
Please use my London address when replying: c/o Bare With Us Cocktail Bar, Gabar Street. EL2 VB6.