Charlotte Raven
First Person
Another day, another report confirming men’s supposed oppression. This time, the global crisis as men across four continents confess to being annoyed that they’re not getting enough attention.
According to a study by Research International, men are feeling unappreciated. Women hardly acknowledge them, except to laugh and point. On the odd occasions they are still noticed it is only as the butt of sexual jibes or as scapegoats for the war crimes of their gender.
This portrait of men as cringing sycophants whose women-pleasing impulses are thwarted by our cold indifference is not convincing. Since when have men been concerned with giving us what we want? The fact that many of them now claim to want to impress us tells us more about the spin-doctored version of the “crisis of masculinity” than it does about the truth behind it.
In the part of the study in which men are asked their opinions as to how things might change, they say they yearn not so much for female approval as a return to the good old days when girls were girls and no one asked them what they thought. From Austria to Argentina, men are bemoaning their lost advantage. Only in New Zealand, where, in gender terms, “change is limited”, can one find a happy man. Elsewhere, it’s gloom and doom tempered with a relief that at least they are being honest.
This is understandable. No one loses something as precious as the culturally sanctioned right to lord it over half the population without going through some trauma. The problem is not the fact that they want to be back on top so much as the denials that “masculinism” is anything other than a regressive force.
The “crisis of masculinity” casts men as the helpless victims of change. In the workplace they are suffering from the shift away from manufacturing towards female-friendly service industries. Interpersonal and communication skills (talking to people and picking up phones) are the exclusive province of women. Of course, men are resistant to retraining, but are we really saying that you can’t teach a miner to type?
Then there’s family. More women are choosing single motherhood. So what is the future for fathers? This is presented as a problem for social policy – fathers should be given more rights and women prevented from excluding them – but is it not a matter for men themselves?
In truth, few women would rather be lone parents than a part of a partnership. If they do end up excluding men, they do so because of disillusionment and despair at ever finding anyone suitable. Women are increasingly rejecting men because they are simply not good enough. To say this is women’s fault is rather like blaming a consumer returning shoddy products.
Men are not society’s victims; they are victims of their own refusal to adapt to a changing world. They would rather die than do anything differently. This would involve accepting that the old ways no longer make sense and giving women credit for noticing. So what do they do instead? The clever ones create a diversion by proclaiming themselves oppressed, while the others simply carry on in the manner to which they are accustomed.
It is difficult to underestimate the extent to which men have changed. Apart from liking clothes more than they once did, they are little altered from the days when we considered them the problem. Men are still beating up women, harassing them in the workplace and embarrassing them in the street. Most men are not involved in these activities, but many are guilty of the lesser offences which these days go unremarked:from cheating on their wives to old-fashioned self-obsession and emotional neglect.
Nineties man has one advantage over his predecessors. He is allowed to be honest. More than that, he is required to tell the truth about everything, on the basis that this public performance of candour alone will make him a better person. There was a time when men concealed their innermost thoughts and convinced us that they were respectable. Now they prefer to display their dirty linen as if it were something to be proud of. In a recent survey, 96% of men admitted/boasted that they’d cheat on their partners if they thought they could get away with it.
With the cries of “I’m a wanker, me” resounding across the culture, it’s hard to see how anyone could argue that men were reformed. If anything, they are worse and we shouldn’t let ourselves be fooled by any “Ooh, aren’t I awful” confessions, the purpose of which is to present them as flawed but essentially endearing.
Unfortunately, this strategy appears to have been successful. Whereas once they could expect to be pulled up for their behaviour, the “wankers” are now indulged, as attacking them would be unfair. This myth that they are hard- done-by – perpetuated by men and former feminists like Fay Weldon – has altered our perception of what they do, to the point where we no longer notice if they overstep the mark.
Aspects of male behaviour which used to be regarded as expressions of their dominance are now proof of their weakness. When we see a soccer hooligan going about his business, we think he must be feeling disempowered. When we hear some loaded boy describing how he likes to tie women up, we excuse him on the grounds that he is sexually immature.
The myth of female liberation has persuaded us to treat men with the courtesy of the conqueror. No one wants to be reminded that feminism can’t have won as long as it has failed in the crucial respect of changing male behaviour. Never mind how many MPs we have, how many women break the glass ceiling, how strong and empowered we feel. We never won the argument. Men are still as bad as they ever were. Nothing changed – we just stopped caring.
Meanwhile, the people who go on about the “crisis of masculinity” try to make it seem complex. How are men supposed to act, when traditional models of maleness are now no longer available? What do women want: new men, old men or something in between? They want us to think it’s a mystery, when they know damn well what they should do. It isn’t that they don’t know how to change, it’s just that they don’t want to.