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Mbuyiselo Botha
The South African Men’s Forum is one of the stakeholders organising the Gender Summit and has been playing an advocacy role in the Commission on Gender Equality. For Women’s Day, on August 9, the forum has called on men to move away from the sidelines and to become a greater presence in activities and organisations working towards improving the living, working and reproductive conditions of women. But it starts with mindsets.
It is my contention that we need to pause as a nation and listen to what women have to say about the atrocities perpetrated against them and learn from their experiences.
Studies show that in most countries as much as 50% of women have experienced some form of physical or sexual violence. In other societies, compounded by culture and tradition, this figure may even be higher. Men need to critically address how this level of violence affects their mothers, daughters, sisters, wives and girlfriends. However, instead of a genuine attempt to listen, an interrogation often follows, where the woman is forced to either be defensive or abandon discussing her experience altogether. Men need to trust that when a woman says something hurt her, then it really did hurt her. They also need to be taught that abuse of women comes in many forms and is not limited to a blow to the head. It includes sexual assault forcing sex on a woman when she is not willing to have sex. This is not to mention the abuse that leaves no visible scars, such as emotional abuse. Subjecting women to crude or demeaning jokes and sexually harassing women in subtle ways in the workplace all contribute towards a culture of non-respect for women and their status being degraded to that of an object to be used and discarded. Some forms of violence have a greater impact than others, but one thing is clear: they all contribute to a very real fear many women have of men and the suffering these women endure.
The basic rights that men enjoy in society, such as feeling safe in their homes or a job free of sexual harassment, are pipe dreams for many women. Much of the fear, unfortunately, is in the woman’s own home. A common myth is that most of the violence perpetrated against women is from strangers. This relegates to the back-burner the countless assaults, rapes and beatings that women endure by those closest to them including their husbands, fathers and even their sons.
Men in this country have indicated that violence against women are “women’s problems” by staying away from marches, gatherings and supporting organisations that are trying to make a difference. And, more worrying, they do not speak out against their friends, colleagues and other men who commit blatant acts of discrimination and violence. This all adds to a silence that feeds a perception that it is “okay” to behave that way or that one’s masculinity is determined by how many blows you are able to give your partner before she passes out. This bizarre camaraderie does nothing but serve to reinforce the “us-them” dichotomy that is so hard to break away from. Men have become allies in oppression.
South Africa can only move towards a genuine gender equality if these problems are addressed and if concrete steps are taken to involve men in becoming part of the solution, instead of being pinpointed as “the problem”. Men need to challenge sexist language and jokes that degrade women, even if it’s at the expense of being seen as “soft” by other men. They need to send a clear signal that sexual harassment in the workplace is not to be tolerated. They need to speak out against family members abusing their womenfolk. But most importantly, they need to support all programmes that aim to empower women and better the lives of women.
As long as there are separations between men and women in taking gender equality forward, there will be resentments on both sides. The way forward is working together in advocacy programmes for women’s rights and, most importantly, cultivating a culture of listening.
Mbuyiselo Botha is the general secretary of the South African Men’s Forum