Headmaster
Hilton College
Dear Mr Nicholson,
I heard the other day that less privileged pupils are planning to storm the country’s private schools …
Right now, I need to know if you have been overthrown by the proletariat. My boy, Clive, is looking for a new school and Hilton College would be out of the question if he has to fight his way through teenage crack-dealers and apprentice pimps and prostitutes to get to a class of 72 glue-sniffing children.
There is no doubt that the boy will be an asset to the school. He is bright and quick on his feet. But like most adolescents, he has his defects. Clive is recovering from an unhealthy obsession with a pop singer called Marilyn Manson. He still insists on wearing cosmetics, but his nurse has it down to weekends only. I won’t bore you with the details, but I can assure you that his previous principal dropped all charges when it became abundantly clear that my boy was nowhere near the device when it went off.
I am sending you ten rand on the understanding that Clive will be guaranteed entrance to your school. And there is plenty more where that came from … If I do not hear from you, I assume it will be in order to bring Clive around to the school on Thursday, the 24th of this month. Will 10am be convenient? Let me know.
PS. My wife, Brenda, says she has heard that Hilton College is full of poofters. This would not suit Clive, as he is recovering from an incident. If your students are not kosher, it would be best if you returned my money.