/ 11 July 2002

From Libya with love

Libyan President Moammar Gadaffi likes to regard himself as a one-man aid agency, capable of single-handedly saving our continent. The current target of his largesse appears to be Uganda, but not because of any deep friendship with Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni.

Scarcely four months elapse between visits to Kampala, where he dazzles everyone at Entebbe International airport with the size of his entourage, the number of armoured luxury limousines that accompany the Antonovs that come zooming in from the desert, and the custom-made Mercedes-Benz bus that serves as living quarters for the leader of the Great Socialist Peoples’ Libyan Arab Jamahiriya when he is on the road.

Tongues have been set wagging in Uganda by the inordinate level of attention the Great Leader is paying to one princess of the tiny Kingdom of Toro, deep in the western countryside of Uganda. Best Kemigisa, also the mother of the nine-year-old King of Toro, Oyo Nyimba Kabamba Iguru, is a thirtysomething beauty that Oom Krisjan swears would make even a corpse — let alone the highly active leader of the Jamahiriya — have wicked thoughts! Kemigisa, too, has quite a schedule, visiting Benghazi several times a year.

The last Lemmer heard was that, on his most recent presidential excursion to Toro, Colonel Gadaffi undertook to construct a new palace for the little King Iguru — one befitting the true status of a king, as opposed to the unimpressive structure the leader has been visiting.

Lift the ban

Lemmer came in for some serious flak for his comments after the death of Hansie Cronje. To atone, Oom Krisjan would like to second Christian magazine Maksiman’s call — in its most recent edition — for the lifting of the lifetime ban on our disgraced cricket captain.

Bush-whacked

There are soft targets and then there’s Dubya. Many Klipdrifts were downed in despair as we watched the nominal leader of the world’s only hyperpower holding a media conference this week.

Asked whether he was still intent on catching Osama bin Laden dead or alive, the gormless (or Gore-less) one said: ”I don’t know if he is dead or alive, for starters — so I’m going to answer your question with a hypothetical. Osama bin Laden, he may be alive. If he is, we’ll get him. If he’s not alive, we got him.”

Warming to his theme, he described the difference between justice and revenge as ”a question of attitude”. He continued: ”We take lives when we have to, to protect the people and to hold people accountable for killing thousands, is how I look at it.” Well, that explains the deaths of wedding guests.

Killing me Microsoftly

President George W Bush’s lack of geographical knowledge is legendary and it seems to be spreading to United States corporations. One of the Dorsbult regulars was rather surprised, when writing a document in MS-Word, that the spellchecker rejected ”KwaZulu- Natal” and suggested ”Kabul” instead. If Ulundi is bombed in the near future, blame Bill Gates.

Bob-gevaar

Those Freedom Front hawks have not flown off to Valhalla, after all. Yes, the home for retired and disgruntled generals is alive and well, and stirring up a new version of the ”rooi gevaar” threat.

Outraged at a recent report that South Africa’s military might is, well, not so mighty, one of the FF’s three MPs, Pieter Groenewald, issued an alarmist statement this week.

Once Lemmer had untangled the bizarre spelling and grammar (suggestion to Meneer Groenewald, try MS-Word) it appears that the South African National Defence Force’s four operational tanks and eight operational Rooikat armoured cars are about to be sorely tested.

”The power-drunk leaders in Africa like Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, could get the impression that South Africa is not a military factor anymore and could even plan to invade South Africa,” the Front warns — and blames the sorry state of the SANDF on affirmative action. Have some more mampoer, manne.

Promise of Freedom

Remember Thami Ntenteni? One-time spokesperson for then deputy president Thabo Mbeki? Thami was put away for a few years after a drunken driving incident that resulted in fatalities.

By all accounts, he made the most of his stay in prison and emerged on the wagon, clutching a degree. Now this former Radio Freedom man is sitting at the right hand of SABC CEO Peter Matlare. His new title is ”Consultant for Channel Africa in the Office of the CEO”.

Interpreted, that means that Ntenteni is head of Channel Africa, the SABC’s external radio station, which once served as Pik Botha’s loudhailer into Africa.

Only problem is Channel Africa already has a boss. Another Radio Freedom graduate, Promise Zamisa, still holds the post, although she disappeared last year following an investigation by internal auditors.

Ntenteni is making changes without her — bringing in cronies from pre-prison days.

Full of hot air

Tim Henman’s annual (and routinely futile) attempt to win Wimbledon this year again provided an opportunity for comment on his ”true Brit” qualities.

Against Michel Kratochvil, the local hero was treated with smelling salts and had to have an on-court massage from trainer Bill Norris.

After this, Timid was much improved — with his upset stomach cured by ”a darned good fart”, according to Norris.

Only an Engelsman needs a trainer for that.

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