/ 25 September 2002

Wacky patents, silly signs and superfast computers

So you thought your computer was really powerful. How about a computer the size of two basketball courts, powered by over 8 000 microprocessors and using around 6 trillion bytes of memory? For info on the number one fastest computer in the world (and the 499 runners up) shuffle jealously towards The Top 500 Most Powerful Computers.

Then, to help you with your ongoing problems with that baby PC of yours, for a one-stop resource to see who else has also been having problems in the same way you have, try Computer Gripes.

You don’t see ouija boards around locally, presumably because the weirdos have some idea that its a satanic device – meantime, irrespective of whether you get your kicks talking to holy ghosts on a sunday or good ol’ regular ones via an ouija board, these boards have long been a part of popular culture. Called Talking Boards, Witch Boards and a variety of other names, take a look at some examples of them at The Museum of Talking Boards.

Yup, hope springs eternal in the human heart – and so do inventions in the minds of inventors – ranging from ‘eye protectors for chickens’ through to a ‘self-waiting table’. Go have a look at the archives of odd patents taken out on new inventions at the Wacky Patent of the Month.

Or for a journey through a large collection of insane signs that someone didn’t think too clearly when making, try Really Silly Signs.

Just like the airlines don’t explain that if you’re at a high enough altitude, those little oxygen masks aren’t going to help you at all, the same applies to workers in high-rise buildings. If you work in a building too high for firehoses or ladders, you’re in trouble if something catastrophic occurs. Until now, of course. Its a bit late, but take a look at a useful buy-a-parachute site (unless you work in a shatterproof-glass-sealed building – then you’re really scr*wed); run to ExecutiveChute!

Sneakily saw yet another movie recently, called The Last Castle – and it’s a great little movie. Point being, if you’re a castle fan and want a site filled with lots of different real-live castles, along with pix and wild bloodthirsty tales of what each castle has witnessed, stealthily approach Great Castles of Wales.

Despite my pretensions of culture, I have a serious enjoyment of funky and bizarre t-shirts, so take a look at some choice t-shirts which would probably get you into some interesting conversations. (My top choices were “School Shootings Tour 1996-2001” “May the Horse Be With You” and “Anthrax – the Other White Powder”.) More at T-Shirt Hell.

Little grey men time. For minor weirdness and a glimpse at a helpful way for lonely aliens to meet and find each other, despite the reasons for their being here… I guess even aliens have to socialise sometime. Try The Alien Message Board. Back to the old days when things were a little clearer, to those of you who remember when there was a vampire in the White House, who liked calling people ‘sons-of-bitches’ and who drew up lists of enemies to be acted against – gee, nothing changes, does it? Try some audio links and glimpses of Richard Nixon.

Time for a gentle prod of conscience by pointing you towards Tibet, that land illegally invaded and occupied by one of our trading partners. Get ready to throw eggs at the next Chinese politician who comes here, after reading through Tibet Online and Free Tibet.

Reasons to keep your kids out of sunday school time. Just to be gleefully mean, ask the religiously minded to explain Obscenities, Atrocities and Absurdities in the Bible.

And get your questions ready for the preacher, from Dark Bible.

Finally, for a cluster of stickers to print out and use around the office or home, to irritate the hell out of your co-workers or family (Picture a sticker for telephones: “NOTICE: This device will not transmit body gestures such as head nodding.”) Go browse at Dummy Stickers!.

Until the next time, if 1 100 000 000 Chinese and SAA don’t get me.

Ian Fraser is a playwright, author, comedian, conspiracy nut, old-time radio collector and self-confessed data-junkie. Winner of numerous Vita and Amstel Awards, he’s been an Internet addict and games-fanatic since around 1995, when the Internet began to make much more sense than theatre.