In another of his increasingly astonishing revelations, President Thabo Mbeki recently announced that he had become aware of a new political party, in diametric opposition to the African National Congress. He said this new party was currently being formed by elements on both the far left and the far right of the political spectrum.
I thought this was just a bit of sophisticated Mbeki hustings rhetoric. But then, out of the blue, I was phoned up by the spin doctor of this brave new political alliance: Dr Ivan “Breker” van Deventer, formally orthopoedic surgeon and scientology adviser to the Polokwane under-16 rugby team. He told me that he’d be grateful if I “could now sort of write something for that paper you write for on what I can feed you”.
“Well, perhaps could you start by explaining why you think a tenable political covenant might come about between such disparate, indeed completely contradictory schools of thought.”
His answer was immediate. “You must now try to look with objectively,” he rumbled. “It are quite obvious that the far-right white peoples and the far-left black masses has got a lot more in common than anyone can think. Both groups have been now kicked into touch by Mr Mbeki. The result is that, apart from a few provincial traffic cops and district midwives, we are now without a proper representation in both local, central and other forms of government. Something have to be done.”
“It still seems like a highly improbable alliance,” I ventured.
“No, not really,” he countered gruffly. “The South African transformation process has taught us to put into neutral all those orthodox racialistic hatings for each other. There are now different walls we have to win. Our party intellectual, Mrs Bessie Human, is already more than half way through writing up our democratic manifesto. You would be amazing to see how much common ground she has covered. Previously and presently disadvantaged partners. That is now just the starting line.”
“Who is the leader of the far-left faction in your new party?”
“His name is Karl Jhubuhlulangwabe. He only turns 17 next month and he is already General Secretary of the Revolutionary Orange Workers Cooperative of Zebediela. I would like to had him here to speak to you for himself, but he’s presently waiting on his application for bail.”
“What did he do?”
“At the end of the day nothing at all. Comrade Karl’s arrest and torture is also proof how the present government will go at any distance to iron out opposition. They came to his shack, the police, at five o’clock and they find 50 AK-47s, 16 crates of MV-23 stalk-mount anti-personnel mines, half a ton of explosives and a small Soviet tank under his bedroom floor. He couldn’t produce the licences so they sommer charge him for treason, like they did with about 10 of our fellows.”
“Have you decided on a name for your new party?”
“On the table now is the Boere Stalinist Alliance, or the Marxist Weerstand Beweeging, or the Beige Grey Consciousness Coalition. One of those or parallel like that. But our national symbol is now already decided on, the Koevoet and Sickle.”
“You spoke of your party’s manifesto. What are its guiding principles?” I enquired nervously.
“Basically our party will guarantee the rights of each man to his own rights. We are made up from very different sorts of people, all the way through our colour changes, different languages and a lot on our side are also decent Christian people. What we are keen to get across on our voters is the democratic right of a individual to be what he wants to be. That is why, in our first caucus meeting, the black members of the party was sitting on one side of the table and the whites on the other. No favourites.”
“Is that why you have separate entrances to your party offices next to the Pep Store?” I asked acerbically.
“That was not us, that was Comrade Karl,” he growled. “He said there is now a big difference between socialism and socialising. So what I’m saying is that our black members are just as careful that we don’t mix too close. We must not now start to look like the ANC.”
“Do you think that, once it’s up and running, your party will be a serious threat to the ANC?”
“Not on the moment. Our first aim-point is the official opposition, to get rid of that Tony Leon’s DA nonsense. When that are blown up and gone we can be able to concentrate on the really big fish. We look forward to the day when we can get our own hands around all the forestry and hospital and construction, all that hundreds of other contracts, the provincial pension budgets, all those sort of natural political resources.”
“In other words what all you’ll really be doing is replacing the gravy train with a wagon one,” I bubbled merrily.
“Absolutely,” he smiled. “When you put communism and fascism there together on the same table, you can now struggle to see any differences.”
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