The visdorpie awoke to the thundering sound of tons of prime bull on the hoof on Tuesday, as dozens of New National Party politicians stampeded across the floor to join the African National Congress. The massive defections tilted the balance of power away from the Democratic Alliance and left Tony Leon as just another notch in Marthinus ”Kortbroek” van Schalkwyk’s bedpost.
But the DA spokesperson appointed to play jilted lover to Van Schalkwyk’s cruel Lothario in e.tv news’s broadcast of this long-running soap opera should have removed a Mail & Guardian poster from his office before the show. The poster read: ”Leon has Marthinus by the short and curlies.”
Blue videos
In Jozi the Gauteng Nats called a press conference to announce the names of DA councillors who had decided to ”come home”. Much to Lemmer’s surprise, waiting outside the NNP’s door were three of the DA’s local government bigwigs. But Mike Moriarty, Louis Coetzee and Eddie Taylor had not decided to join the rush — accompanied by a video cameraman, they were there to ”note” which councillors had decided to defect. And Moriarty wanted to further play Sherlock Holmes by questioning Kortbroek on how he could join hands with the ANC. Apparently they never got around to their second objective and had long since dispersed before Van Schalkwyk materialised for the conference.
Fair play
The ANC and its new Nat sidekicks are to extablish a joint consultative forum to discuss their respective approaches to various policy issues. Lemmer was delighted to see that among the members listed on the ANC side is a person named Playfair Morule.
Crossed wires
Here in the Dorsbult ”crossing the floor” has always meant sliding off your bar stool to visit the bathroom, so the big palaver that ended with the Constitutional Court deciding to allow a two-week window for politicians to cross the floor has been educational.
Oom Krisjan’s favourite, however, was the first point stressed by the South African Local Government Association at a media briefing in Pretoria on Monday: ”Ensure that the party you wish to join will accept you as a member”, with an empty box labelled ”Check” behind it.
Red peril
Considering how the ANC and its alliance partners have been indulging in a bit of broedertwis recently, Oom Krisjan was very amused to see how MSWord dealt with the surname of South African Communist Party secretary general Blade Nzimande. Maybe Thabo Mbeki has been corresponding with Bill Gates during his marathon late-night Internet sessions, because the spellchecker decides the sharpest red in the tripartite bed should really be termed ”Nuisance”.
Flying2
Ever since Mark Shuttleworth went hurtling around the Earth in his metal laboratory beaker, science has become the in-thing. It is so hip 2b2 that even the cops are getting in on the act. Captain Mashadi Selepe, spokesperson for the South African Police Service for the Johannesburg region, recently sent a circular to Oom Krisjan in which the quick boys in blue are consistently referred to as the ”Flying Squared”.
Hacks hacked
Lemmer tries to bring readers the news behind the news, but sometimes it is also his pleasure to expose a lack of news being the news. Last weekend sabcnews.com, which regards itself as one of the best online news sites in the country (behind www.mg.co.za, of course), was hit by that curse of the cyberage — hackers. The powers that be at the SABC were rather embarrassed they were caught with their firewalls down and asked staff members not to spill the beans.
A few Klippies and Cokes in the Dorsbult loosen tongues, though, and one poor online journalist told Lemmer that in order to maintain the pretence these poor scribes had to go to work during the three days the site was down — even those whose shifts start at 4am and others who finish at midnight.
Jokes aside
Much was made of the announcement of the ”world’s funniest joke” last week, but the manne at the Dorsbult felt the joke ranked second was, in fact, much more amusing. You be the judge:
No 1: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ”My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: ”Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ”OK, now what?”
No 2: Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ”Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
”I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
”And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
”Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ”Watson, you idiot!” he says. ”Someone has stolen our tent!”
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