Now the heat is on

The stakes have just been upped, and someone’s going down. South Africa rejoiced as the cry went out — the Windies have done us a premature favour by planting their Caribbean asses in the middle of a Benoni thunderstorm, and in doing so forfeited two points, theoretically making it easier for South Africa to get through to the Super Sixes. But what it means is that SA can’t hide behind the Windies skirts anymore, and now they can get through to the Super Sixes all by themselves by winning every remaining match with a good net run rate.

Well at least we’ve got a chance now, you might argue, to which I would counter with not just a right hook but a left to the ribcage as well, as part of a five punch combination lasting less than half a second: where have you been for the last week or so? Surely you haven’t been watching the same team I have? Because the one I’ve been watching — if it stays in its current incarnation — is going to catch a fat smack against Sri Lanka in not too long from now, and once again the peals of laughter will ring out across the Tasman Sea, float over the Indian Ocean and arrive at my doorstep round about the time someone is getting smacked over long off for six to put South Africa out of the World Cup.

Sorted.

Unless, of course, the team does not stay in its current incarnation, and someone sorts something out with Shaun Pollock right quick. I’m not talking about a therapy session in which Polly admits the bad he has done and tries to comes to terms with constantly being laughed at by Australians, nor about going out and finding spirituality and comforting succour from Rhema Pastor Ray. It’s not about carrying logs over an obstacle course in order to motivate yourself to do better, or bond with your team, or any of that crap — the answer is quite, quite simple:

GET – RID – OF – HIM.

We all know that won’t happen, but not for my not wanting it to, trust me. Pollock is the rot — no two ways about it — and he’s spreading real fast. I give you this promise — dump Polly by taking a hammer to his ankle, bring in Charl Willoughby (who actually has the ability to swing the ball at good pace) or David Terbrugge (who bowls as tight a line as Pollock), make someone radical — let’s say Andrew Hall, for instance — captain, and watch that team kick ass.

Flies a bit in the face of conventional wisdom, I suppose, but think about it. The experience of Pollock is gone, but what good has it done us? Sure didn’t show against either the Windies or New Zealand, and let me promise you that Sri Lanka are not the team they were late last year — not by a long shot. Sri Lanka are a very good team, and their results have proved this. They’re riding their confidence, which is building with every game, and South Africa couldn’t be lower on confidence than they currently are. If Jayasuriya gets hold of it, or Murali weaves his magic, there’s only going to be one winner.

So take the plunge and do something radical — what do you have to lose? Pundits will argue the World Cup, but in my eyes that is already lost. To win the World Cup South Africa must now win eight straight games against mostly class opposition, including Sri Lanka, Australia (twice), and Pakistan (they’re going through – watch).

If Pollock leads that side (as he will), there is no chance. That may sound cruel, but I’ve supported him and given him more than my fair share of forgiveness, but there has to come a time when you holler ’nuff.

My time has come.

Here’s who I’d like to see in the 11 taking on Sri Lanka (the Canada game is now completely irrelevant, other than that we must bat first to get as high a run rate as possible and thankfully we have fellers like Gibbs and Kirsten who will no doubt do just that):

(*Quick aside: I’ve given up on the Polly ankle-tap idea, for lack of genuine feasibility, and while others have lost it and are calling for Zondeki, I am not one of them. ‘Sides — Polly can bowl a bit.)

Gibbs

Smith

Kirsten

Kallis

Dippenaar

Hall (Captain)

Klusener

Boucher

Pollock

Ntini

Langeveldt

12th Man: Peterson (superb fielder)

Hey? HEY??

Let me break it down for you (they are in order of batting, and you’ll notice some changes): Gibbs and Smith have to open, as Smith is not the right type of player for number three, his technique (as long as Gibbs is going off at the other end) is better suited to opening solidly and amassing reasonably quick runs without doing anything overly clever. In comes Gazza at First Down, which hopefully will always be Smith, for two reasons: the left/right combination can be maintained, and Gibbs will still be in, which is nice.

Gazza provides the perfect number three — more solid an opening bat than either of the first two, yet able to score as quick or better than Gibbs should that be required. If you are in doubt as to that theory please refer to the Standard Bank Cup Final, in which Gibbs got more runs, but Kirsten scored quicker, unbelievable as that may sound.

At four you have Kallis, who needs to stop buggering around and start producing some big runs. Nothing from him yet — a man with his class can’t count 31 against New Zealand as a decent innings — and he must start scoring. Fast.

At five is the ever-reliable Dippenaar, who makes more runs than his peculiar countenance would suggest, and his average of more than 42 is outstanding when you compare it to the other top players from around the world.

Then the big swap — Polly for Hall, in a move guaranteed to induce a bishop to kick in not only a glass window, but to torch the rectory as well. You will notice Polly is still down the order — we need his bowling, and his batting can help (especially against small teams when he is already ahead and has nothing to lose, least of all his wicket).

The thinking behind Andrew Hall is thus (and I know it’s a struggle, but I’m going there, so follow me): Hall is a temperamental batter — he has the ability to score huge in a fit of pique, or muck about the crease looking for all the world like an Alberton rent boy, getting nothing. But where traditionally you have Boucher (whose form has been atrocious with the bat — be sure to keep an eye out for his ”Deer In The Headlights” bit), now you have a man who on his day is more explosive than Boucher, with better technique and genuine ability to score more runs. Hall doesn’t take an ounce of crap without turning on his fan and blowing it right back, and while he’s an unstable character I think it’s time to get a bit of him.

His bowling is the real coup, as he swings it more than anyone on a good day, and if he can jack up the pace (and hardasses like him can if the task is put to them) he’s a far better option than the man who loses his place in the side because of him — Nicky Boje, or Spanky as I’m getting to know him.

The captaincy option? Andrew Hall is a hard, hard man, and he’s the only player in that side who you can see — visually (as Murray Walker might intimate) — to have that hard attitude. I wouldn’t want to knock that oke’s drink accidentally in a crowded Vereeniging bar, and I’ll pledge my mortgage on that. All he can do is instill an aggressive attitude into that squad, and while I don’t know if he’s a long-term option for the job, I truly believe he could only do better than Polly here.

The next big change — Klusener up the order at seven. He needs a longer shot at piling on those luvly runs, and is the perfect option should Hall or Dippenaar fail.

Polly and Bouch are demoted — partly for revenge, but also because they are bigger tailenders than any of the above — think about it. Nonetheless, they still provide occasional ability down the bottom, meaning we bat down to nine, as per.

Rounding out the batting order are the two quicks — Ntini and Langeveldt, and since we’ve run into them let’s explain the bowling too, shall we?

Pollock still opens with Ntini, but at the first sign of even just the sunlight glinting off an angry bat, you whip them off and bring on Langeveldt at first change to seam it around. Then it explodes wide open — choices include: Hall, Kallis, Klusener and Smith, who must be the most underrated offspinner this country has ever had. He’s a far better turner than Boje, and why his talent hasn’t been nurtured and improved upon perhaps we’ll never know.

What a bowling lineup, containing men for every conceivable occasion. Still only one genuine quick (Makhaya reached a hair’s-breadth under 150km/h against the Kiwis), but now have you have two genuine swing bowlers — Langeveldt and Hall) as well as Polly when he’s of a mind to, and I truly believe he’d bowl better without the burden of captaincy.

The variable pace option comes from Klusener, who still has the fourth best bowling figures of this World Cup so far, and when he’s on Kallis can be devastating. At the moment he is further from being devastating than I am from Tipperary, which I believe is a long, long way away. But the idea is that with the captaincy Hall can inspire and rejuvenate players like Kallis, who I’m beginning to suspect must have hypoglycaemia, so sluggish is he in attitude and form. But that’s why Hall is there – to kick Jakes’s Big Ass Back Into Business.

And finally the spin option in Smith, who I’ve already mentioned. If I’m not the Messiah, surely I must be close? If you wish to send me presents feel free to do so, although no tins of picallili — can’t stand the stuff. And there you have it — my answer to South African Glory. What’s yours?

Cheers,

The Twelfth Man