There’s that old saying: if you build a better mousetrap, the world will beat a path to your door. Maybe it’s true — after all, just because everyone says something, doesn’t mean that it’s true. (I mean, a “virgin birth”? Hmmm). Anyhow. The point is that people keep trying to make that “better mousetrap”, and often it’s the making of the thing itself that says more about humans and people in general than what they’re supposedly trying to achieve.
Let’s start off with the often bizarre, and sometimes boring, but always fun collection of things that humans are trying to find out. Take a slow, thoughtful read through the goodies at The Journal of Mundane Behaviour.
Then — as cat lovers will know — there’s nothing worse than losing a pussy on a cold night. (Let’s see if I get away with that one). So a clever inventor, probably a cousin of the guy who came up with that whistling key-ring thing, has come up with a simple method of finding your cat, especially if it’s a black cat, midnight and you’re down in the coal cellar. Go consider the mind behind Cat Finder.
It’s a crashing generalisation, but Germans do seem to be fairly serious about what they do — whether it’s work or play, as anyone who has spent some time on the Reeperbahn can attest to. So you’re German and you have a fascination for submarines — what do you do? Well, it’s simple. You gather a few like-minded friends and begin building your own submarine. The site is in German, but the pix are there, and Altavista’s online translation tool can help if you want the skinny on their thinking. Go look at Building Your Own U-Boat.
And then for a different creation from the same country, of which I’ve already seen low-grade rip-offs appearing locally — go look at the Incredibly Springy Jumping Bendy Things for Your Feet.
Some people take their coaster worship a bit far, to the point of making movies (and yes, there are nekkid flick pix connected to rollercoasters, but I’m not gonna be the one to point you in the direction of those). Instead, why not download a fairly small three-minute home-made movie by a bunch of coaster fans, called Roller Ghoster.
Naturally the Yankees (the nation, not the team) have their own equivalent of heroic and insane projects. Consider the case of a major Batman fan, who decided to duplicate the vehicle seen on the TV series of Batman from way back. Try Building the Bat-Cycle.
Meanwhile, over in Japan, nothing happened. (Sorry — being a Spike Milligan fan I’ve always wanted to steal that sentence and use it in a public place). For a non-techno-related building concept, have a look at what happens when you combine a Japanese craftsman and the corks from wine bottles. Cancel the auto-download rubbish signal from Microsoft as you go into the site at Making Dolls from Corks.
And then, oddly related but definitely not as serious, is this next site, which goes into the unique, under-acknowledged genre of pizza delivery. Instead of a barely coherent guy wearing a cap that is a size too small, how about having your pizza delivered by a black-clad, nunchaka-waving ninja? They also promise to commit ritual suicide if the pizza takes longer than 30 minutes. Yes, it’s all just a joke, dammit — still, I’d pay to see that. Ninja Burgers.
Back to building things. Recall those poor slobs from central casting in the Star Wars flix, stomping around in those white storm trooper outfits? Admit it, you’ve often thought about how cool it would be to stomp through your local mall with a few thousand friends dressed in a similar way, just to annoy and frighten the security guards. Go get the plans and learn how to Build Your Own StormTrooper.
It’s quite frightening what people will build by themselves (check back to previous columns for the home-made rollercoasters as an example), but for a look at what companies are willing to create, go browse through the vast collection of insane, bizarre and downright freaky objects available at Stupid Toys.
Then, to build up your vocabulary in ways that no self-respecting teacher would approve of, read this. A Bulgarian walks up to you and says: “Kon da ti go natrese.” If you’re clever enough to have browsed through this next site, you’ll know enough to hit them. For a wide variety of insults and obscenities in all the world’s languages (including our own Afrikaans, nogal) cackle happily and learn stuff at The Alternative Dictionary of Slang.
So you’re stuck in a wheelchair, and quadraplegic — and everyone seems to think you’re an idiot. What do you do? Do you go on Felicia-type shows and push emotional buttons to get sympathy, and stay a passive victim, or do you use the Net and your wheelchair to demonstrate your own version of extreme sports? It’s a stupid question, really. Go take a look at Idiot in a Wheelchair.
Minor gear change. Given that the BBC has been as bitchy as the cult of Scientology in attacking all criticism online, it’s nice to see that a blatant anti-Teletubby site has managed to stay alive this long. If you also think that television is merely a form of social control and consumerist propaganda, and has nothing to do with education or entertainment, then freak out your kids at TeleTubbie FunLand.
Then, what would a column be without at least one tacky instance of trying to combine religion and genital manipulation? Yes, it’d be boring! Therefore, you’ll no doubt recall that in bad kung fu chop suey movies, heroes always use the fact that the bad guy has somehow desecrated “the Shaolin temple”, and thus is about to receive a thoroughly justified ass-kicking. Finally you can find out the whos and whys of Shaolin itself. Be advised though, this site has a few pictures (used to demonstrate strength) of people tugging huge things — using intimate parts of their bodies. Ow. Given the amount of pervy kung fu fans worldwide, the site on and off appears to “exceed its download limit” according to Geocities, but the site is up. Shuffle painfully to Shaolin Temple.
Finally, just to throw in a curve ball, something for fans of cheerfully tasteless and bad cinema. (Beyond the recent, over-promoted garbage Promised Land, which did for filmmaking what chickens do for quantum mechanics.) We’re talking delightfully vile, bad films — with taglines like “Do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?”. Grab some popcorn and head to B Movies.
And last but not least, going from building things to total happy destruction. Fans of BIG MONSTERS (very sweaty and unhappy guys inside rubber monster suits) in films can browse through all the films we don’t ever get to see here, at the aptly named Stomp Tokyo.
Until the next time, if storm troopers and pizza-delivery guys dont get me.
Ian Fraser is a playwright, author, comedian, conspiracy nut, old-time radio collector and self-confessed data-junkie. Winner of numerous Vita and Amstel Awards, he’s been an Internet addict and games-fanatic since around 1995, when the Internet began to make much more sense than theatre.