Olympics too stale: Palace Gate Scaling is being considered as a new sport to be recognised by the International Olympic Committee. This comes after a protester managed to scale the formidable iron gates in front of Buckingham Palace. A spokesman for Update the Olympics, a lobby group intent on bringing topical relevance to the games, said that Palace Gate Scaling had all the elements of the sort of sport that should be replacing ‘all those out of date and crushingly boring things like javelin- throwing, putting the shot and hammer-throwing. The Olympics have gone stale. Give us something we can relate to,” he said. ‘Hiding an American flag about your person, with a rude message to George Bush on it, disguising yourself as that courageous young woman did and then shinning up those ostentatious palace gates like a baboon on steroids is not only fun to watch, it’s darn difficult to do.”
Nkosazana for top UN post: Rumours in diplomatic circles say that Minister of Foreign Affairs Nkosazana- Sarafina-Virodene-Dlamini-Zuma is a strong favourite to take over from United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan when his term of office expires late next year. Sources close to sources at the UN say that Dlamini-Zuma has demonstrated admirable qualifications for the position as a world peacemaker. Her sensitive handling of the Zimbabwe crisis is a case in point. It takes an individual of substantial determination and vitality to support and give diplomatic succour to someone like President Robert Mugabe. To follow in the footsteps of someone like Annan is also very difficult. ‘His shoes will be loose on Nkosazana’s feet,” said the source close to the source. ‘Very few people could say so little in so many words.”
Encore for Sarafina II: The controversial musical Sarafina II is to be revived. The Department of Health will be issuing tight budget guidelines for this updated production of Mbongeni Ngema’s brilliant stagework outlining the danger of the HIV/Aids to young people. ‘Last time around things got a bit out of hand,” said a spokesperson. ‘It was the sheer enthusiasm for this work of art that overtook everyone and led to the unfortunate purchase of luxury buses and cars, the payment of galactic fees, the installation of state-of-the-art recording studios in people’s homes.” This time the budget will be carefully audited, with annual inspections of the books by the independent accountancy and democratic management group, Boesak, Yengeni & Mabona, overseen by the Ethical Business Practices Consultancy of Shaik Brothers and Maharaj Incorporated.
ET for the ANC: Eugene Terre’Blanche has joined the African National Congress. The former Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging leader, serving the remainder of a six-year sentence for assaulting a black petrol attendant, has stated that his time in prison has been ‘a personal trip down the road to Damascus”. A warder at the Potchefstroom prison, where Terre’Blanche is being held, told Not the Mail & Guardian that Terre’Blanche has become a model prisoner who spends at least five hours a day in private prayer. Terre’Blanche claims his decision to join the ANC came to him directly from God. There was no other way he could properly atone for the sins of his past. An ANC spokesperson confirmed that Terre’Blanche’s application was being processed. The spokesperson said the ANC welcomed members whatever their colour or past political records.