ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 19) You might find your limited cognitive faculties stretched to their limits. Try not to think, except about why the president is still making promises about anything. Famous Arian: Professor Spike Bhulalamlunghu, Shangaan soothsayer, who claims to be inventor of the toyi-toyi.
TAURUS (Apr 20 to May 20) Expect a high tax assessment, which demands you pay a monstrous sum towards the upkeep of political institutions, the activities of which have absolutely no bearing on your life. Famous Taurean: Saddam Hussein, peacemonger.
GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A well-known rock artist will ask for the use of your sub-teen children as props in his Michael Jackson Let’s Throw Ourselves into the Furnace of Love concert. Do not resist as it could mean a lot of money. Famous Geminian: the other Margaret Thatcher, Silesian sex-murderer under sentence of death in what remains of Yugoslavia.
CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Cancerians of the gentler sex prepare yourself for a shock: your male life partner has won second prize in a Sea Point Dragfest. Go to bed and stay there until the blood tests come back. Famous Cancerian: Saul of Damarrah, biblical personality and inventor of the lawyer.
LEO (July 23 to Aug 22) JG Strijdom will rise from the dead in your backyard. Don’t be alarmed as he won’t start secreting unless stood on. Famous Leonian: Burburetta the Slut, Bolivian prostitute believed to have infected more than 700 politicians with a rare mutation of Idiosyncratic Marxism.
VIRGO (Aug 23 to Sept 22) Your planetary influences are waning and this will be a week for the unbridled hots. Fumble, fiddle, rub against, make lewd suggestions to and generally investigate all other known Virgos in the carnal field. Famous Virgoean: Muzarrah J Khibort, copy-taster, Cairo Times.
LIBRA (Sept 23 to Oct 22) Whatever you do, don’t go near any Virgos this week. Famous Libran: Hannibal Lecter, philanthropist and humanist gourmet.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 to Nov 21) You’ll be given the chance to test the heterosexual waters. Don’t be ashamed, pull a sack over your partner’s head and put everything you’ve got into it. Famous Scorpean: Gleason Mahlango, author of Zen and the Art of Car Hijacking.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 to Dec 21) All musical Sagittarians called Dullah Omar will get married. You may be the lucky one! Famous Sagittarian: Jean-Pierre du Luissentarque, inventor of the Fit-a-Fist polythene condom.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 to Jan 19) Your stockbroker will be wiped out in the Mad Rhino epidemic. If you own gold shares, get rid of these as a matter of urgency and buy comprehensive schoolchildren riot insurance. Famous Capricornian: Karen Querra-Fourrah (389), original strandloper, who claims to be the world’s oldest woman and that after she was his lover Jan van Riebeeck became bisexual.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 to Feb 18) You’ll receive an invitation from Barney Pityana to serve on a special parliamentary committee charged with investigating apartheid undertones in the OJ Simpson trial. Famous Aquarian: Bernie Hicks, The Guiness Book of Records world record holder for Non-Stop Cobra-Patting.
PISCES (Feb 19 to Mar 20) Refer to Libra, Taurus and Sagittarius and pick out those predictions that best suit your circumstances. Famous Piscean: Cheryl Stalin, kugel sister of dictator Josef and cultural minister responsible for the design of democratic, affordable beachwear for Slavic debutantes.