In these times of pre-electoral fever the South African public is finding itself beset with a host of so-called party manifestos. People unfamiliar with the nomenclature and style of these usually imaginative exaggerations can easily be bewildered. Often the different political parties who issue the manifestos seem to make identical claims and promises. In a short series of ‘For Dummies” explanations, this column will attempt to make things easier for those without the time or experience to learn the hard way. What follows are some simple guidelines. Let’s begin with the manifesto revealed last weekend to an insatiable waiting public by the New National Party. It is called NNP Manifesto Release 2004, already known affectionately as the ‘Jockstrap Manifesto” because of all the cock and balls it contains.
NNP Manifesto Release 2004 is the latest in a long series of updates and releases from this party. Some go back to the late 1940s and the icons of that time are clearly visible under the Favourites menu. Here you will find interesting links to party servers that have resisted some spirited attempts at formatting: Malan, Strijdom, Verwoerd and Vorster are among these. Do remember that only right clicks work when exploring or using NNP Manifesto Release 2004, which still uses the party’s most reliable operating system, Vensters ’48 and which only runs on MS-DOOS. All slashes are backwards.
Many users are confused by the My Compatriots programmes of the NNP Manifesto Release 2004. To use this effectively, right click anywhere on the desktop, click again on Properties, again on Appearances and take your pick from the options. These will include a tempting array of possible political compatriots, ranging from the Democratic Alliance all the way across to the left and the Pan Africanists. With a double-click you will be able to create a short cut to wherever you want to take your seat on the other side of the House as you will be offered an Installation Wizard to the party of choice.
One of the most exciting features of NNP Manifesto Release 2004 is its promise to reduce crime and corruption in South Africa by 50% within five years. Cynical commentators are saying that this could most easily be managed by deleting a good many prominent NNP stiffies. Reference to the Help menu is the easy way to deal with this. Click on Help, then on Porkbarrel and choose from a variety of sub-menus for things like Roodeberg Golf Estates, Street Name Vote-Rigging, Harksen, Malatsi, Marais, Palazollo, Morkel and so on. If you feel getting rid of these is the answer, highlight the names and drag them slowly behind your bakkie to the nearest Recycle Bin.
One of the most attractive features of NNP Manifesto Release 2004 is its compatibility with the ideals, commitments and undertakings of other political operating systems. This section of the manifesto is called Bumkiss Express and is a fine example of how well Cut & Paste can be utilised to give the impression of originality. As a sample: click on the Quick Launch icon for Job Creation and then go to Download and then List. The names of competing political parties will appear in alphabetical order. Now click on Compatibility and then Job Creation and the undertakings in this regard by other parties can be checked by using the Affinity button. Differences as to how many jobs will be created, by which date and so on will be highlighted in a misty shade of sky blue. The same simple process can be used to find out how the NNP’s promises about the numbers of teachers, police and low-cost houses compare with those promised by other parties. Here the helpful Ludicrous Index can be used.
Some NNP Manifesto Release 2004 files are very deeply embedded, so-called hidden files that the current version of the NNP don’t want anyone to see because, despite the democratic fulminations of Marthinus van Schalkwyk, these are still the default values for all NNP thinking. It’s quite hard to find these but worth a try. Go to Control Panel, click on Systems, then Device Manager, then Performance, then File System, then Troubleshooting. At this stage you will be asked for a password encryption code. Type in the digits 260548 (the date the old National Party first took power). Press F11 and up will pop a series of Disable boxes. Tick the box next to Hypocritical Christian National Outlook, then the one next to Innate Superiority of White People. Also disable the ones saying Ingrained Bigotry About People of Different Racial Groups, Wholesale Plundering of Natural Resources, Bantu Education, All-white Rugby Teams and several more. Don’t be put off if smelly rods of smoke start gushing out of your hard drive. These files take a lot of killing. Just click on the Apply button and OK your way out. In this way no new African National Congress political cohorts will be able to make accusations about the NNP’s shady past having any influence on its morally perfect present.
Next week a ‘Dummies” guide to the Democratic Alliance Election Manifesto XP.