Sir Angry has plenty of reason to be mad

Okay, you crazed students of English football, it’s time for an early squint at the Premiership table. Look carefully at the glowing array of great names after barely a month of the season gone.

Arsenal, unbeaten in 45 games, have made a perfect, goal-happy start, Chelsea remain unbeaten two points behind them with upstarts Bolton struggling for oxygen in third.

Then drop lower down the table. No, lower than that, you dolts! Look, there’s Manchester United, the dominant force of the 1990s, languishing in mid-table mediocrity.

Their last three games? Draws against sides once considered forking fodder for the great Sir Alex Ferguson’s Red Devils.

Blackburn, Everton and Bolton have all taken a point off the great Not-so-united … with Sir Alex’s penchant for clock-checking the only reason they managed late draws against the luckless Rovers and Wanderers.

On Wednesday night in France, those weaknesses loomed again. Only two well-taken opportunist efforts from old horse face, Ruud van Nistelrooy, saved them from humiliation in a 2-2 draw.

Is it too early to whisper ‘crisis”? I don’t think so. And nor does Sir Angry himself.

This is their worst start since the pre-premiership days of 1989. The side that has dominated the Premiership since its inception in 1992 (only Blackburn in 1995 and Arsenal in 1998 and last year have broken their hold) is really struggling.

Already they are nine points behind the Arse, the doom mongers are rubbing their hands in glee. And Sir Angry is complaining bitterly.

Wednesday’s Daily Mirror ran a cartoon lampooning their start. It had a cruel caricature of England defender Rio Ferdinand, banned for eons for missing a drugs test last season, being asked: ‘Have you missed being in a great team playing top-level football?”

The second frame of the cartoon shows the entire United squad chorusing unhappily: ‘Yes, we have!”

Frenchman Mikhael Silvestre, one of the gloriously average members of that chorus, admits: ‘We’ve made too many mistakes. We can’t afford any more. The players know that.”

And fidgeting Fergie grows restless. He’s spent £190-million trying to recreate the treble-winning side of 1999 and it simply ain’t working.

On Monday, Ferguson called his underperforming squad in to their Carrington training ground at 9.30am to read the riot act.

He insists: ‘This squad is better than the team that won the League, FA Cup and Champions League five years ago, no doubt about that.”

But then he turns to the old managerial crutch to justify his misfiring stars: injury.

He argues: ‘The key to our success in 1999 was fitness. We were very lucky with injuries then. But it’s important we should dismiss the injury situation. I still have 20 players, mostly internationals.”

Yes, Sir Alex, but what sort of internationals are they?

Instead of the great Dane, Peter Schmeichel, in goal, he has an American basketballer with butterfingers called Tim Howard; he has an ageing Roy Keane, with no David Beckham beside him to marshal the troops; and up front, instead of the uncanny understanding of Dwight Yorke and Andy Cole, with Teddy Sheringham in reserve, he has the selfish but effective Van Nistelrooy in tandem with the very ordinary Louis Saha and the yet-to-start Wayne Rooney.

They make Leeds signing Alan Smith look like a useful goal-getter. If Ruud gets injured again …

What can we say of Eric Djemba-Djemba, the departed Nicky Butt, David Bellion, the gratefully sold Diego Forlan or the twinkle-toed Cristiano Ronaldo?

There may be trouble ahead. With Ferdinand on the brink of a return and Rooney limping in the wings, things should improve. They have to.

Elsewhere this weekend, Arsenal may drop their first points of the season against Sam Allardyce’s surprise package Bolton; Steve Bruce’s Birmingham must start to improve against inconsistent Charlton, Blackburn — with Wales boss Mark Hughes in charge — will have to show immediate improvement to manage their first win at home against Portsmouth.

Crystal Palace may well end the managerial career of Kevin Keegan at Manchester City, where Danny Mills publicly slagged off his boss for poor training techniques on Monday.

That was not pretty, not clever, but it was very brave, Mr Mills.

Norwich should fall to Aston Villa, and troubled West Brom (another club suffering from internal indigestion, including a bust-up on the bus home from Liverpool last weekend) will struggle at home against Fulham.

Chelsea against a revitalised Tottenham at Stamford Bridge should be a cracker. Spurs are enjoying an unbeaten start under new French boss Jacques Santini, who has spent wisely and yet cleverly avoided raised expectations. Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has spent unwisely and raised expectations to ridiculous levels with his blathering about refs and injustice last week.

For once, I’m backing Spurs despite Jermain Defoe misfiring against Norwich. He’s the man. Okay, a little man, but he’ll be the star of the week.

As far as Middlesbrough versus Everton is concerned, I said it last week and I’ll say it again. Any side with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink and Mark Viduka up front has to have a fair chance of success. Hasselbaink started the season well, then Viduka got two last Saturday. Expect Everton to suffer this week. And expect anyone wearing Everton colours to keep his shirt on if he scores.

Graeme Souness’s arrival should ensure Newcastle win at Southampton. Would you argue with Mr Tough Guy?