Don’t do it
The Klipdrift consumption in the Dorsbult has reached crisis proportions since Tuesday last week. But a message from Michael Moore — yes, he of Fahrenheit 9/11 fame/notoriety (and, in the Dorsbult, hero worship; well, ok, among some of us) — has done his bit to cheer us up. He offers “17 reasons not to slit your wrists”, a few of which follow (for all those really serious cases out there who want all 17 reasons, go to www.michaelmoore.com).
1. It is against the law for George W Bush to run for president again.
2. Bush’s victory was the narrowest win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.
4. In spite of Bush’s win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), thinks the war is a mistake (51%), and doesn’t approve of the job George W Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don’t try to figure this one out. It’s an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won’t be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say “if the Democrats do their job?” Um, maybe better to scratch this one.
6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire north-east, the birthplace of our democracy. So did six of the eight Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Okay, that’s a start. We’ve got most of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt St Helens. We can dehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!
7. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won’t have to buy now.
8. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he’s [been having since last] week. It’s all downhill for him from here on out — and, more significantly, he’s just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It’ll be like everyone’s last month in 12th grade — you’ve already made it, so it’s party time! Perhaps he’ll treat the next four years like a permanent Friday, spending even more time at the ranch or in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn’t he? He’s already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.
9. There are nearly 300-million Americans — 200-million of them of voting age. We only lost by 3,5-million! That’s not a landslide — it means we’re almost there.
10. Finally and most importantly, more than 55-million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed “The Number One Liberal in the Senate.” That’s more than the total number of voters who voted for either Ronald Reagan, Bush I, Bill Clinton or Al Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this — that so many Americans were, for the first time since John F Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals — that is not news. What is news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that’s big news. Which means, don’t expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2 2004. In fact, it’s better that they don’t. We’ll need the element of surprise in 2008.
Lonely hearts club
Talking of which (we’ve been talking of little else here in the Dorsbult), the Oom is dazzled by the quick thinking of a United States website that was set up within hours of the catastrophe’s being announced last week. “Marry an American”, it’s called, and continues: “Ladies and gentlemen, drop your borders. Now that George W Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals — already a threatened species — will be desperate to escape. These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven. You can help. Open your heart and your home … ” Interested? Go to www.marryamerican.ca/
Perky prisoners
Minister of Correctional Services Ngconde Balfour’s threats to discipline prison warders and look at the labour laws later are just not working, given another inside job that led to the killing of two warders and prisoners at the allegedly maximum security C-Max prison last weekend. And just how ridiculous the situation is was further illustrated when an identification parade involving Pretoria’s alleged serial rapist failed to materialise because he had apparently hidden himself away from officials in an overcrowded cell! Balfour has threatened, ranted and raved about how gatvol he is with warders, but he ain’t seen nothing yet.
Apartheid academic
Remember Willem Cruywagen? No? Then you are one those very lucky people born after 1994 into the new South Africa — or late enough in the 1980s and early 1990s not to have experienced that joyride often referred to as apartheid. For that happy bunch, let’s just say that Oom Willem’s illustrious career took him from city councillor of Germiston, to administrator of what was then called the Transvaal (roughly, Gauteng and bits of Mpumalanga and North West), to MP, then deputy minister and “glory!” Cabinet minister (even Krisjan can’t remember of what). It seems his contributions to the country’s welfare have not ended. In September, he received — at the age of 83 — a doctorate from North West University (part of which is the former Potchefstroom University for Christian Higher Education). And the tome for which he received this high academic recognition? Die Cruywagens van Suid-Afrika: ‘n Genealogiese en Kultuurhistoriese Ondersoek (1690-1806). For those uitlanders out there, this translates as “The Cruywagens of South Africa: A Genealogical and Cultural-Historical Investiation”. Lemmer’s bedtime reading problems are over.