I would like to give readers an idea of what it is like being between the colour lines of black and white.
Growing up as a child in the Boland, I thought of myself as looking like any ordinary human being, because I was not yet aware of the different races in our country. But in 1981 my family moved to Pretoria and a whole new dimension of being opened up.
I came to realise that here in Pretoria coloured people were different to those I had grown up with. I had never been in contact with a black person, and here was a whole population of black people.
Starting high school in Pretoria was exciting and scary at the same time. My approach and language was different to the coloureds in Pretoria. In school I was always too white to be a coloured and only then did I start realising how important your skin colour is in this country.
Seeing me as the fair-skinned coloured girl, people concluded that my mother or father must be white. I never raised any objections about the misconception because it made me feel better about myself.
I thought of myself as superior, because I came to realise that white people were perceived as the superior race in this country. By playing white I could get myself a better job with a better future.
In school we never talked about politics and nobody educated us about it.
In 1987 I moved into a commune with three white Afrikaners and played white for about four months before they realised I was not one of them. This was also the time I realised I was not one of them. I realised I was not white, not coloured but black in a white skin. I realised I was not just a person any more, I was now a black person and there were certain rules that came with this package.
I wasn’t able to further my studies because finances were tight and the only decent job I could get at the time was as a receptionist. As the white coloured girl I was not white enough to be a secretary, but I was white enough to be the receptionist.
To the racist white Afrikaners who were important clients of the company, I was just another white girl at the front desk. To the verligte white Afrikaners who were also important clients of the company, I was shown off as the ”girl of colour” working at the front desk.
As I grew older and wiser and my country grew stronger and sharper, I became part of a new measure.
Now I am good enough to be a secretary, because I am an affirmative action candidate. Still, the colour of my skin has an influence, since I am now not black enough to be a manager.
Blanche Esau is a human resources clerk working in Pretoria