Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental
A group of elderly women has been arrested in Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe, accused of plotting to assassinate President Robert Mugabe.
The 13 women, who claim to be members of a group called ‘Widow Birds International” (a bird-watching club for widowed women), are believed to be aged in their 70s and 80s, although they would not confirm their exact dates of birth.
The women, who were arrested while enjoying high tea at the Victoria Falls Hotel, fell under suspicion because they were allegedly equipped with binoculars and ‘tubular objects that pose a danger to national security”, according to a spokesperson for the president.
Recently reinstated Zimbabwean Information Minister Jonathan ‘Napoleon” Moyo went on to point out that it was deeply suspicious that a large group of foreign nationals should arrive in Vic Falls at the precise time when Mugabe was on a private hunting expedition on a nearby farm recently supplied to his second cousin.
‘These foreign nationals are equipped with the tools of spies and assassins,” Moyo said in a statement. ‘Binoculars, cameras and metal tubular objects which could very easily be the parts of high-powered rifles, or perhaps even blowpipes by which poisoned arrows might be aimed at the president.
Furthermore, several of these foreigners are English nationals. One was in possession of unidentified drugs believed to be deadly poison for the blowpipe darts, which they have disguised as knitting needles.”
Madge McRobbie, self-appointed spokesperson for the women, said: ‘Blast that man’s lungs, we’re nair !*@%! English, we’re Scots and damned proud of it! I’ve nair heard such a load of old jock. Our so-called tubular objects are walking sticks and walking frames, and in one case we have a wheelchair. And we’re carrying binoculars to see the wee birds. We were invited by the Zimbabwe Birdwomen’s Association, and they assured us it was perfectly fine to drop in for a spell. And the deadly drugs are Siobhan Angus’s heart pills, for heaven’s sake.”
Another of the women, Irma Slzvkyzk, a former Serbian national now resident in Fife, said: ‘What sort of men are frightened of knitting needles, eh? I’ll show ’em knitting needles, I know just where to stick ’em.”
In response to Moyo’s suggestion that the women were in fact secretly taking part in a seniors’ Gay Pride outing, Slzvkyzk replied: ‘I have seven children and 22 grandchildren. Where does he think I got those, eh? From a Leptoptilos crumeniferus?”
She then was forced to go to some lengths to explain that Leptoptilos crumeniferus was not a gay secret society, but the scientific name for a Marabou stork. ‘A scavenger,” she told Moyo pointedly, ‘usually found hanging around refuse dumps and abattoirs.”
Frik du Plessis, a security analyst from Harare, said things looked grim. ‘Their story is unfortunately not plausible as everybody knows there are now no birds in Zimbabwe. They have been shot for the pot, although a few of the more sensible species might have followed the pachyderms across the Zambezi into Zambia.”
‘Further, there is of course the problem of the Zimbabwe Birdwomen’s
Association being associated with terrorism. Last year they attempted to disrupt the annual cake fair of the Zanu-ZX Women’s Social League by substituting Semtex for marzipan on one of the fruitcake entries.”
Robbie McCraigie, a member of the Scottish National Parliament, said in a statement to the international press: ‘The Zimbonganese fail to realise that the Scots, like themselves, aren’t necessarily willing bedfellows of the English. However, we wish to warn the government of Zimbongo that, unlike the English, the Scots won’t play the limp biscuit when it comes to the welfare of our nationals.” It is
presumed the honourable member was in fact referring to Zimbabwe.
The women are being held in a secret location at Victoria Falls after refusing to be moved to a holding jail in a violent incident in which Moyo was allegedly injured in the crotch.
A legal representative, Percy Koronides, has arrived in Victoria Falls from Johannesburg to assist them.
When asked for comment, a spokesdenialist for President Thabo Mbeki said: ‘We cannot comment on the internal affairs of Zimbabwe. However, we are sure the women will remain innocent until it has been clearly demonstrated that they are guilty.” —