Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental
United States President George W Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair have met in Iraq for a secret summit before that country goes to the polls for its first democratic elections.
To demonstrate how safe the new, improved Iraq really is, the two leaders went for a stroll through the once-troubled area of Najaf. The only press allowed to attend the event were embedded units employed by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation. However, al-Jazeera reports that it infiltrated the proceedings by wiring micro-equipment to the collar of a trained stray dog.
The area through which Bush and Blair strolled was cordoned off in advance by British and US troops and emptied of all civilians. Access roads were blocked by tanks, and helicopters hovered overhead. Several selected military were dressed as civilians to give ‘a natural feel” to the street.
Al-Jazeera reports that a group of women in burkahs following the two leaders was in fact a fully armed security detail, also in disguise.
‘It is marvellous what we have achieved here, simply marvellous,” Blair told the press corps. ‘As you can see, this place is peaceful and perfectly safe and we feel that elections can proceed.”
‘That’s because we’ve killed ’em all,” Bush agreed. ‘We’ve found it’s the best way of controlling these damned rag-heads. I mean, we’re helping them, right? So if they don’t like what we’re doing for them, we kill them. It sorts out the chaff from the raisins.”
‘Er, that comment is off the record, of course,” Blair interjected. ‘But I must say, we’re delighted with the results of our endeavours here. To be frank, Iraq was the best option for demonstrating to other potentially uncooperative nations what will happen if they get up our collective nose.
‘We thought Afghanistan was an option but, as it turns out, nobody cares what happens there. We needed somewhere with shock value. Through war, we achieve peace.”
‘Yes,” Bush said, ‘we’ve killed a lot of stones with one budgie, here in Iran.”
‘Iraq, Mr President.”
‘Yessiree. We’ve been able to give lucrative contracts to our friends such as Dickie Cheyney’s Halliburton. And then, a lot of oil people invested in my campaign, and they expect to see a return on that investment. And the military manufacturers need a market. See, every time a Black Hawk is shot down, we need another one. It works like that. We consider this nation stabilised and ready for free and fair elections …”
Blair interrupted: ‘We haven’t killed all the hostiles …”
Bush continued, ‘… because if we did there’d be nobody to shoot down our Black Hawks. We need that to happen so that we can keep business flowing to the military manufacturers. It’s why we haven’t caught Osama [bin Laden]. If nobody stirs shite, we can’t retaliate, can we?”
‘After the free and fair elections, we’ll withdraw and the United Nations can take over,” Blair said.
‘Not so long as they’ve got that black guy in charge,” Bush replied. ‘What’s his name? Korfu something. We’ve got a little campaign under way to get rid of him right now. We want our own man in charge of the United Nations, we get more control that way. And more contracts.”
Al-Jazeera reports that the press conference was interrupted at that point by a large explosion several blocks away. The leaders were assured, however, that it was ‘just thunder”, and that the debris flying through the air was ‘garbage being blown about in the wind”.
However, the burkah detail felt that it was time to go, all the same.
‘Are you’re sure this isn’t Iran?” Bush was heard to say as he and Blair walked to meet their helicopters. ‘I thought we were going into Iran.”
‘We are,” Blair replied, ‘but we haven’t done it yet.”
‘But we have to do to so before the next election on your island, right? My people tell me your people are gonna dump your arse big time. Hey! Have you noticed this cute dog following us around? Here, puppy, puppy!”
Al-Jazeera’s dog was recalled at that point, while the two leaders returned to their hotels in Kuwait, where they were to hold talks with members of Iraq’s interim government. —