/ 6 January 2005

‘Help us not to help ourselves’

Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental

An imaginative solution has been found to the problem of parliamentary travel. This follows on the ‘Travelgate” scandal, which last year became a threat to the dignity of the politicians elected to serve in this forum of democratic endeavour.

In a media feeding frenzy many parliamentarians were accused of having manipulated and exploited their travel privileges for personal gain. Some were said to have entered into corrupt deals with degenerate travel agents in which false vouchers were issued for travel never undertaken.

Kickbacks, running into some R24-million, found their way into the pockets of the parliamentarians and the agents. Some of the former had taken their families on luxury holidays, paying for accommodation in five star hotels.

Some senior politicians were alleged to have taken their boyfriends, girlfriends and catamites on official trips, paid for by Parliament and, ultimately, the taxpayer.

To reduce the chances of this happening again, it has been decided that the voucher system is to be abolished and that no further use of airlines or other public means of transport will be allowed.

Instead, Parliament is to buy a small fleet of aircraft for the travel requisites of parliamentarians. The proposed fleet will include five Canadair twinjets for local use, three Beechcraft King Airs for smaller landing strips in rural areas and two long-range 737-800s. One of the latter will be the current presidential jet, which will be refitted as an 80-seater in business class configuration.

The Presidency has indicated that President Thabo Mbeki will be requiring a larger personal aircraft and the newly announced Boeing 7E7 is, apparently, being favourably considered.

This new jet is a long-range, twin-engined machine with special features involving passenger comfort. The cabin is pressurised to maintain a 6 000 foot cabin altitude, as opposed to the 8 000 foot cabin altitude, which is standard on large jets.

The interior is considerably quieter. A spokesperson for the presidency said the new jet was necessary as Mbeki’s importance as a global political and intellectual leader had grown to such an extent he needed to be able to have a larger retinue with him on his frequent international forays.

The spokesperson added that since Nigeria was about to acquire a presidential jet of the same size and cost as Mbeki’s current one, it was essential that the South African continued to be leading edge.

Earlier plans for the president to acquire a new three-decker Super Jumbo Airbus 380 have been shelved until 2008 as Airbus Industrie have indicated that, owing to the existing orders — some 180 — for the aircraft, they will not be able to supply Mbeki with one until this date.

For terrestrial travel a fleet of vehicles will be at hand at all major and secondary centres. A total of 500 vehicles, luxury 4X4s and saloons for majority government members and people-carriers for the opposition, will be deployed according to needs.

The estimated cost of the new parliamentary air and car fleets will exceed R32-billion and will be financed by surplus funds accrued from taxes on fuel and paraffin. The cost of the new presidential jet will be absorbed in the South African arms deal package and will be in the region of R1,4-billion.

Opposition parties have welcomed the move and the proposal that elephant-back safaris be included in the new package. —