Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental
The Department of Sport and Recreation, in collaboration with a leading pet food manufacturer, has announced that legislation to legalise greyhound racing will be introduced during the next parliamentary session.
Banned in the early 1930s, this sport has been ‘on a back burner” for some time. Now the department spokescreature has said that ‘it is high time South Africa joins the rest of the civilised world in this environmentally friendly sport”.
The news has been received with enthusiasm among the lower classes. Donkey du Randt of the East Rand Smallholders Cooperative told Not the Mail & Guardian that he has already started work on a track and, together with some friends, has ordered some breeding stock from England.
Betting on the dog races will be allowed but at first only ‘on track”. A totalisator will be run, as in horse racing, and the government will impose a nominal 40% tax on all winnings. These funds will be used to develop the sport and to create jobs.
Also in the draft legislation are provisions to legalise Pit Bull fighting and the sport of rhino baiting. The provisions are expected to cause some controversy. The NSPCA is on record protesting at the draft provisions, which it believes will cause a rise in the breeding of a particularly vicious dog.
The department responded by saying that it was shortsighted to try to put
a stop to innocent poor people’s entertainment while giving them a chance to make a few rands betting on the outcome of the fights. ‘Would the NSPCA prefer for poor people to spend their money in white-owned casinos?” asked the spokescreature.
Conservationists are also up in arms, saying that rhino baiting belongs in the dark ages. ‘It’s the sort of thing they do for fun in Russia, Mongolia, Uzbekhistan and places like that,” said Jeremy Sheckson, senior ranger for the National Parks Board. ‘It’s primitive.”
The Department of Sport and Recreation disagreed. The spokescreature resented the use of the term ‘primitive” and declared that this was ‘further proof of the ingrained racism that still afflicts our young democracy”.
Rhinos are not killed in the normal run of the sport. The worst they have to suffer is the implantation of three or four banderilla-style assegais in their sides in order to encourage their fighting spirit. ‘Otherwise all they do is rush around chased by dogs and charging at professional baiters rather like the bulls do in Spain,” said the spokescreature.
‘Ear-splitting rock music will be played over the public address system so as to increase the thrill of the spectacle and further enrage the rhinos. Just like they do at rugby. Otherwise it’s quite harmless and also serves to emphasise the
importance of our wildlife to children.”
Only in the event that a rhino actually severely injures or kills one of the baiters will the beast be put down. ‘This will be done in a humane way. After a fighting season these rhinos are returned to the reserves. If they have tasted human blood, they would be an increased danger to tourists. It would be highly irresponsible of the department to take that kind of risk.”
It has been announced by e.tv that it has acquired the rights for live broadcast of the Pit Bull fighting. —