Those who attack American interests around the globe, who incite peaceful native populations to fanaticism and violence, and who undermine democracy must expect swift and decisive action by the United States and its military. This was the word from US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice on Friday as she outlined her country’s plans to invade Manchester.
While Rice said it was too early to include the city in a ‘redefined axis, or maybe a parallelogram, of evil”, she confirmed that the 82nd Airborne Division had set up an operations centre in Liverpool, from where it would carry out what Pentagon sources are calling ‘Operation Fiscal Valor”.
‘At this stage our strategy revolves around ballistic pacification options,” said Rice. ‘An initial aerial suppression blanket will be rolled out, consisting of temperature-enhancing incendiary democracy-clusters and laser-guided tyranny-dismantlers with special ‘Free to bear arms if you’ve still got arms’ spray pattern. Any unscheduled enemy precocity in the arena of survival will be absorbed by life-cessation maneuvers by Special Forces sanitation teams equipped with low-environmental-impact ordnance, such as bicycle chains and straight-razors, which do away with demoralizing ballistics evidence.”
Earlier in the week President George W Bush told Congress that the burning of an American flag by Manchester youths — clad in the traditional red football shirts indicating their allegiance to local strongman ‘Sir” Alex Ferguson — was an affront to the sovereignty and values of the moral majority of Americans.
‘This world is not our world,” said Bush, whose 10-minute address was characterised by prolonged applause from delegates. ‘The green and pleasant land once described by the poet Maya Angelou is gone, replaced by the satanic mills of tyranny. These terrorists who trample our dignity hate our freedom. They hate our Astroturf. They hate the bounty of gridiron football, where points flow as freely as the milk from the breast of a 19-year-old cheerleader nursing blonde triplets. They want to destroy all the treasures the US has given to the Briddish over the centuries: railways, policing, universities, democracy, Christianity, the English language, Elizabeth Taylor.”
Meanwhile Manchester militias, recently joined under the banner of ‘Manchester United”, have been bracing for a backlash after booing American tycoon Malcolm Glazer, who is set to buy a controlling share in the local oil industry. The city produces more than three barrels of oil a week, mostly as a by-product of its ancient fish-and-chips industry, although smaller refineries also process the facial cotton swabs discarded by spotty teenagers, extracting up to half a barrel a week.
In a secret underground locker room at Old Trafford, Manchester United leadership was upbeat about its chances of seeing off a US attack.
‘Mareens? Boonch of pufes,” said one Barry Smith, his head wrapped in a long red scarf with eyeholes cut in it. ‘Tooking dere trousers into dere butes like dat. Lukes daft. And dat dere Chorj Boosh, eez crap.”
Tony and Gary Smith, cousins of Barry, concur. ‘Really, really crap, like. Eez ommost as crap as Tony Bleh. And eez really crap. Cyant hold is drink like. Pufe. Now dat Ronnie Rehgan, ee was hahd like. Hahd as iron. Weda had Ronnie Rehgan down ere any time, oop inda terraces like at da footy.”
Did they think Ronald Reagan’s administration might have reacted differently to their objections to Glazer’s takeover?
‘Dum reet he woulda!” they declare nostalgically. ‘He woulda nooked us feh joost looching a’him squint! Tha’s how hahd Ronnie Rehgan was. Hahd and devilish handsome. Not leek dis pufe Boosh. Yev got to be hahd but feh.”
‘Hahd boot feh,” agrees an anonymous youth, strapping plastic bottles of ale to himself. He and his ilk have been attacking American tourists all week in an orchestrated campaign of irritation. Entering crowded backpackers’ lodges undetected, these desperate freedom fighters quickly quaff all nine or 10 bottles on their person, triggering tremendous attacks of vomiting and maudlin singing.
At the time of going to print network executives had not yet confirmed whether the war would start on cable during the half-time break of the Cowboys-Steelers game, or whether it would be confined to NBC and CBS, between Will and Grace and Everybody Loves Raymond.