After last week’s regrettable attempt to wrap a column theme around “things you can do with e-mail”, I’ve seen the error of my ways. (The beating from my editors also helped put me back on track, in terms of what constitutes an exciting column for readers.)
So let’s look at current events and oddities that perhaps indicate where we are heading as a gadget- and convenience-loving species. Despite the myths of humankind being “hard working”, the truth is that throughout history, all the big leaps forward in technology seem to have happened because we are actually lazy as hell, and always looking for an easier way of doing things.
(It’s horrifying to consider, but perhaps those hugely overweight Americans you see on TV, overfed and surrounded by gadgets and specially made clothing to make them think they “fit into” society, are ultimately where we’re all headed as a species.)
And as we mentioned staggering obese humans, let’s move into what I like to call the “no, no, oh please, no!” category. Part of the continuing Illuminati plan to create massively obese and useless human beings across the Earth is this frightening new development. This is truly Homer Simpson food territory incarnate: ‘Low Carb’ Chocolate-Dipped Pork Rinds.
For more pleasing foods, how about a yummy and delicious virus that mutates and infects corn and turns it into bloated blisters of slimy black stuff? Yup, I can see you’re salivating already. Luckily, other people are also ready to eat what is basically “an infection” — and they’ve even put it in tins, for people like you. Go have a look at the tasty photographs throughout the article detailing someone’s decision to test Eating Infected Tinned Corn.
And here’s a big leap forward in food science and art — looking very much like David Cronenberg’s “gynaecological instruments for mutant women”. See how humankind will be changed forever thanks to these pizza cutters.
You’re trapped in the great outdoors, and unlike the morons on Survivor, you actually have a clue about making fire. How come? Well, you read this column, and thus know How to Make Fire with a Coke Can and a Piece of Chocolate.
And speaking of the great outdoors and that useless thing called “nature” (which we will hopefully pave over and get rid of soon), you may have noticed that going to the toilet in nature is often a rather messy and dodgy balancing act that can soil your ankles. But now there’s a cure for those of us who want our home comforts — go stare thoughtfully at the piece of plastic that fits conveniently on to the bumper of your vehicle, at Portable Toilet for the Outdoorsman!.
Staying with the artistic and sensitive subject of taking a dump in nature in total comfort (let no one say this column doesn’t reach places the regular toothbrush just can’t get to), if you’re out in the horrid, yucky, soon-to-be-paved “nature” and taking a slow, considered dump while sitting on a toilet attached to your car bumper, why have to reach for grass to use for wiping? Here’s a handy and vital tool to keep your toilet paper always ready and able to deliver what you need, regardless of where you are. Look at the Park Tool Toilet-Paper Holder!.
Ever been drinking a can of beer and thought to yourself, ‘Jeez, I wish this was a bottle of beer’? Well, now you need think that no longer. Thanks to some strange Dutchmen (that is, people in Holland) who thought this through and came up with a cunning and clever add-on device, you can now Convert Your Beer Cans to Bottles.
Karaoke is a deeply ingrained South African tradition, isn’t it? I mean, since the days of the Great Trek, countless South Africans have made their mark on the world stage as far as singing karaoke in public goes. And as you’re a rabid karaoke fan, you naturally need to practise a lot before your weekly stint up on stage at your local drinking spot. However, your neighbours don’t like the noise generated by your endless rehearsing.
At last, there’s a tool to help you perfect that version of Neil Diamond’s Song Sung Blue that you’ve been singing for the past year. Go look at a special face mask designed to muffle the noise of your karaoke practising, so that your neighbours don’t hear you every night as you practise. The advert is in Japanese, but the picture shows it all: The Practising Karaoke Face Muzzle.
Then, as I got away with mentioning “face muzzle” — S&M continues its quiet move into mainstream acceptance — look at this British advert for the Room Interior Gimp Bag.
You may not have heard of a religion called Catholicism, but it’s very big among those few who believe in the concept of a single superhuman deity who made “everything”. (No, don’t laugh, everyone’s entitled to their own point of view.) But point being, a place called the Vatican is where this particular belief system operates from, and has done for a couple of years.
The person who’s voted the most clever in everything to do with this central “one superhuman force” thing is called a “pope”. The special place where the pope lives, the Vatican, has released a Special Official Souvenir Pope Telephone Card.
And speaking of this pope stuff. Did you know the current pope was a one-time member of the Hitler Youth? Me neither. Read the British Sunday Times story ‘Papal Hopeful Is a Former Hitler Youth Member’. And here’s Wikipedia on the background of the new pope.
Then, still more pope stuff. Two weeks before the latest pope was elected, a Florida writer grabbed the domain name. Hehehe. Read the Wired article ‘Picking the Pope’s Domain Name’. Then have a look at what is Not Pope Benedict XVI’s Website.
It’s not enough that you consciously have to avoid seeing adverts as you move around in society; now you’re going to have to ignore the audio as well. This is about to go into operation in Japan. Using technology to beam a narrow blast of audio at individual passers-by, and being able to do this to individuals at up to 130m, go read about the coming next step in audio and advertising technology at Narrow Band Street Audio Advertising.
Staying in Japan, what do you do if there is a shortage of old people who need expert care and help? How do you train staff to look after these stupid old people, who don’t seem to be around, or even willing to let you train your staff on them? Simple, you get your staff to train on Old People Dolls.
Good news for DVD pirates in France. A French appeals court has ruled that “anti-DVD-copying software” on DVDs themselves is, in fact, illegal. The rough translation of this verdict is here. And the original French report.
The biggest drawback to having cows around (apart from the way they hog the funny pages of the newspaper before you can read them yourself) is the smell. However, some enterprising farmers and the United states government are looking into ways to reduce or remove the actual smell of animal dung, by altering the nature of the food intake. Gosh, now there’s a job you really want on your résumé. (“Cow dung sniffer for the US government”). Note that the link seems to be one of those on-off ones.
Need to make obscene phone calls but don’t have the expertise to disguise your phone properly? At last, George Lucas and his merchandising empire come to the rescue. I want one of these. Come to think of it, if our government ministers began wearing these at all public events, I might even start taking them seriously. At least then, their politics would sound like what it really is. Go take a look at the $30 Star Wars Darth Vader Voice Changer Mask.
South Africa finally hit the news headlines on the world stage a few weeks ago. It took a long time, but now the world knows we actually exist, and have relevance and meaning to global political events. Read Smoking Chimpanzee!.
And if you thought the dumb-looking trinkets, wire things and beads that are produced locally for tourists are embarrassing enough, spare a moment for the justifiable anguish of the Russian people who have to cope with crap like Wooden Hand-Carved Russian Cellphones.
See how far advertising has come. Go look through the galleries of cute, kitsch and wonderfully steal-able imagery, at Comic Book Ads. To get an idea of how much fun it can be to remake reality as you see it, browse through the sometimes silly, but often amazing, examples of Photoshop skills in action at The PhotoShop Contest.
Some free stuff. You may not know that Amazon.com has rather a lot of free sample music lurking on its site that you can download legally. Go browse through tons of MP3s — you’ll have to sign in, though — at Amazon’s Free MP3 Downloads.
And in case you thought the internet wasn’t about serious issues, have a look at a website with lots of photographs taken by people as they shake their heads. Go to Shaken Skin.
My personal favourite are the “Prrr” galleries, where people have gone “Prrr” with their lips, and snapped a pic. Go see most of the nations of the world represented, looking really, really silly, at The Prrrr Gallery.
And for all of you fighting slowly hardening neurons and brain death from relying on local input to keep your intellect active, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has a long-running science programme that has lots of interesting content. As they are nice people, they’ve made all the shows available for grabbing in MP3. Go browse the subjects and download the shows you want, at The Quirks and Quarks Radio Archive.
Of course, let’s not forget the fun to be had when bath time, explosives and science collide. Go learn how to make the “I promise it’s not as dangerous as it sounds” Bath Bombs.
Until the next time, if people who like nature don’t get me.