Truth is stranger than fiction. Yes, that’s the clunky theme this week, which hopefully will hold this column together to give it the appearance of being a well thought-out exploration into the nature of life, reality and our place in the universe, using the metaphor of strange news and new discoveries as a vehicle for conveying this.
(In the meantime, of course, you and I know that’s just a great excuse to give you some interesting links, but tarted up nicely to resemble something more intellectual than what it is.)
For instance, what’s better than eating tiger meat? Correct! Eating donkey meat marinated in tiger urine! Yummy. Read Donkey Dressed as Tiger.
For those readers who understand the importance of real news, the world’s ugliest dog continues in his horrifying reign of inspiring all who see him, with terror, disgust and involuntary cries of “That Can’t Be Real!”.
Staying momentarily with dogs, it’s always good when humans take the time to show animals who’s the boss. Where’s the fun in being on the top of the food chain if you can’t crack the whip now and then? Consider the fairly humiliated expressions of these animals in Dogs Dressed as Bees!
In the “it’s not just dad’s name that’s stupid” category, Engelbert Humperdinck’s Son Accidentally Catches Fire during Bonfire.
In far more serious news, something to make you believe in ghosts — try the brief news item about the Drunk Woman Who Died While Peeing on a Grave.
So you’re stuck with too many watermelons … do you sit and hope people buy them, or do you have a particularly Japanese “eureka” moment and decide to sell watermelons as “Godzilla eggs”? Go stare at the packaging of watermelons that’s so great, I want one now: Godzilla Eggs.
Thieves are clearly watching CSI and taking notes. Consider the info in this news item showing that thieves and criminals are deliberately leaving fake DNA at crime scenes, to try to misdirect the forces of law and order: Criminal Shows Scramble Forensic Evidence.
Thousands of happy people, tens of thousands of tomatoes, one hour to let rip with them and make the streets run red in a way that’s a glorious example of why aliens don’t bother inviting us to join the Intergalactic Federation. Go browse through the pix of the Annual One-Hour Gigantic Tomato Fight.
Sign of the times: just to show that we are indeed in the age of Big Brother, have a look at this new toy — a Children’s Security Checkpoint Toy. And in the “yes, but why?” category: Toy Toasters.
For the younger readers of this column who want to cause mayhem at home and help the insurance companies make lots of money from mom and dad — and who’d like to be Nikola Tesla one day (or maybe Victor Frankenstein): How to Make Ball Lightning. Or — using that microwave — why not make something called Microwave Grape Plasma?
If you have a cute household emergency, then you need an equally cute fire extinguisher. Have a look at the Hello Kitty Fire Extinguisher (although for local survival in this war zone, where’s the Hello Kitty barbed wire?).
Did you hear the one about the Polish customs officials and a Russian truck full of meteorites? No, it’s not the start of a joke, it’s a news item: Polish Customs Officers Seize Haul of Meteorites.
D’oh time. The Kentucky governor’s office gave out a special telephone number for the public to call to offer help with disaster relief. Unfortunately, though (and they’re not saying who knew the number so well that they got it mixed up), read Governor’s Office Hands Out Phone-Sex Number.
Curious about diseases? The Memory Hole has a one-meg file collection of United States Navy assessments of 136 countries, including this one. Go grab it for your horrid yucky data collecting of info that’s not usually in the public domain: Disease Vector Risk Assessment Profiles from the Navy. Staying briefly with The Memory Hole, if you’ve had the urge to make chemical weapons (as most of us have when Telkom’s obscene phone bill comes each month), then there’s a great step-by-step manual from 1926 to use. Go assimilate Tactics and Techniques of Chemical Warfare.
In the “games where you kill people take precedence over real killing” category, a Singaporean soldier gets a military deferment so he can take part in a major computer-game competition, the World Cyber Games.
So, Eric Cartman was right. South Park geeks will recall the big-boned kid pointing out that most independent movie festivals tend to show black-and-white films featuring gay cowboys doing something unhygienic beside campfires. Well, “cowboy love” reared its manly other head at the Venice film fest recently, in a movie featuring “sweeping vistas, lonesome men, bucking broncos and smouldering campfires”: Brokeback Mountain.
If you’re interested in religion, then look at the brilliantly fascinating (and completely evil) “religious” cartoon strips, created by Jack Chick. Look at this latest one, which ought to wildly offend the Muslim readers, called “The Little Bride”.
Stuff you want to have happen here: read about the Malfunctioning ATM Handing out $50 Notes.
Want to increase your mileage by 35%? Read this following article (and no, I take no responsibility for hurt car engines): Adding Acetone to Petrol Increases Mileage by 35%.
Literary geeks, take note. Beat writer Jack Kerouac’s US Army medical report has surfaced online — go read what the military discovered at Hit the Road Jack.
Free-wallpaper time. Looking like something from every fairy story you ever read are these amazing pictures from Germany in the 1920s. Go stare in awe at Germany 1929.
“Deeply important scientific advances” section. How about a clothes peg that, if it detects rain coming, refuses to open to let you hang your washing on the line? Smart Clothes Pegs! And if you thought you were safe from surveillance, consider new advances using the sounds of your keys as you type in order to determine what you’re writing. Read Acoustic Snooping on Keyboards.
How does 100 gigs of memory on your cellphone sound? Read about this big step forward in memory storage: NanoMemory.
Unlike here, where “art” is some sort of Marxist bollocks forever showing anguished hands clutching barbed wire, or old pix of suffering people, elsewhere “art” is deeply relevant to society in general. Yes, I’m being ironic. Have a look at the cool art of Elastic Band Sculptures.
Free stuff! It’s not perhaps the killer music download you were looking for, but for the hell of it — and just in case you’ve never heard records where the harmonica is the main focus — go see how long you last before tearing your ears off, at Free Harmonica Music Downloads.
Something to get you in the end — or at least clean out your end. How about a nice toilet seat that gives you an enema? Mmm. Can someone buy a few of these for the morbidly obese, corrupt and barely articulate politicians pretending to run this country? Toilet Enemas!
Until the next time, if the flood of new news items doesn’t overwhelm me.