The last thing I want to do is end up in the South African literary privy currently occupied by Darryl Bristow-Bovey, Pamela Jooste and St Antjie of the TRC, let alone have South Africa’s pre-eminent apologist for plagiarism, Stephen Johnson, CEO of Random Ethics House, furiously squeaking about my inalienable rights to literary burglary. Therefore, before beginning this week’s column, let me acknowledge that I got the idea for its theme from a ”Shouts and Murmurs” column in that fine magazine, The New Yorker. The writer was Paul Rudnick, described as a regular contributor of humorous pieces to the periodical. His column was headlined ”My Living Will”. Among the wrinkled classes, Living Wills are all the rage these days. They offer moral strength to those involved in the care and comfort of people in the last stages of terminal illnesses. What these wills do is try to ensure that indignities, deterioration, dependence and hopeless suffering are not visited upon those unable to bring an end to their own lives. They are also a forum for requests as to the manner in which their passings are marked.
In a spirit of optimism, inspired by our exuberant new Age of Hope, I humbly offer a demonstration model Living Will for the body politic currently holding power under our rainbow. The ANC are up and vital now, every muscle and fibre thrilled with purpose and benefit. Sadly, though, one day this bustling partnership will have to face up to its departure from political life. Here’s an idea of what the ANC’s Living Will might look like.
”Political death is as much a reality as birth, growth, maturity and the pathetic hanging on to power so common among those addicted to its ecstasies. Inevitably, the time will come when we, the African National Congress, can no longer take part in decisions about our own future. Let this Living Will stand as an expression of our wishes, recorded here and now, while we are still of sound mind if steadily diminishing majority. The requests which follow have been made after careful consideration.
1. If at any stage all our vital signs are absent and we appear to have passed on, please do not try to resuscitate us until the next extravagant banquet.
2. On the occasion of our demise, as a manifestation of homage to our achievements, we insist that the official national mourning period be celebrated by nine calendar months of rolling mass action followed by treble the number of regular power blackouts, closing down of essential services like public transport and hospitals, all of which have been the hallmarks of our dominion.
3. We require that what remains intact of our bureaucratic estate is handed on to anyone as long as they are not Zulu.
4. We hereby instruct that after our party’s demise our minister of health be allowed to remain in a persistent vegetative state and that she be planted head-down in a beetroot field, fertilised with garlic-flavoured Neverapine tablets and very seldom watered.
5. That upon our death, our remains be divided, one-quarter to be buried in land repossessed without compensation from rapacious colonialists, one-quarter to be cremated with the ashes being distributed by the presidential jet over the Koeberg nuclear wasteland, one-quarter to be preserved in aspic and kept on permanent display in the first-class dining car of the Gautrain, and one-quarter to be consigned to a watery grave in the Parliamentary fish pond.
6. In the event of our being declared brain-dead, we ask that our collective television sets remain tuned to SABC 3.
7. After our death, should any one of the lengthy catalogue of assorted criminal trials, recusals, adjournments, paternity suits, defamation actions and appeal court applications of the ex-deputy president, The Honourable Jacob Zuma, still be under way, we will not be at all surprised. All costs of these judicial enterprises should be referred to the executors of our estate.
8. At our funeral, please make sure that delivery of our coffin is at least 10 years overdue. If he is still alive, please invite President Mugabe or any of his widows to give the oration and make sure that Mr Sandi Majali is high up on the guest list.
9. As a token commendation to the group-decease of countless triumphant ANC municipalities, please ensure that 2 000 metric tons of raw sewage are dumped into the Vaal Dam.
10. As a post-mortem gesture of solidarity with the people of Mozambique, we instruct that within three weeks of our passing, there be instituted the 27th official enquiry into the suspected but as yet unproven causes of the air crash which killed President Samora Machel.
11. At our funeral, we request that sentimental slow marches and sarabandes be performed by the South African Navy in their much- mimicked style of playing in several time and key signatures at once.
12. In terms of the Anatomical Donations and Post-Mortem Examinations Act, we instruct that any vaguely healthy or still-functioning bureaucratic organs in our body politic be put out of their misery in a dignified manner.
13. Please politely but firmly ignore whatever efforts are made by those who might, in the spirit of loving devotion to what we have stood for in our long and fruitful life, try to intercede and prolong our suffering.”