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/ 29 March 2006

Zuma’s rubber raspberry

By

‘There wasn’t one handy.”

And so it came to pass that The Elephant himself, u-Msholozi, departed the real world. He is now said to be keeping company with the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny — in the Land of the Tall Tale. They also say his days of financial woe are over, with at least one confirmed sighting of leprechauns at Nkandla.

Jacob Zuma’s prize-winning contribution towards safer sex (refer above) has been added to the ‘How to Pull the Wool over Her (and the Nation’s) Eyes” section in The PC Phallus: A (idiot) Politician’s Guide (second edition), eds Mbalula F and Manamela B.

Here the Zuma witticism, one of several, will stand proudly alongside other rubber raspberries such as ‘I can never find one that really fits”, ‘I left them at the check-out”, ‘It hurts” and ‘Oops, I forgot”.

The compendium, a politically correct, no-nonsense approach to leading from the Y-front, is said to be a huge hit.

The publisher, Munusamy R, of Miss-Information Inc, says: ‘This book cocks a snook at the idea that political figureheads should actually do as they say.”

She referred to the book’s foreword, a December 2004 speech by Zuma on World Aids Day. ‘The action of each person counts in this war against Aids. If everybody takes the messages of abstention, faithfulness or condom use seriously and acts on it, we can achieve our goal.”

Munusamy R added: ‘Ever since I was a little girl listening to the conversations in my father’s barber shop, I have dreamed of a project that takes the word ‘seriously’ out of politics and sex.”

In a final attempt to secure favourable reviews, Munusamy R added: ‘And just who is this each person, anyway?”

The book contains topics such as ‘How to Play in the Rain and Never Get Wet”. And ‘Knocked-up But Not Out”. Here, two kwaito stars offer tips on how to always have sex with a condom — as they tell the youth — and impregnate your girlfriend at the same time.

Since he hasn’t said a word regarding his erstwhile colleague’s contribution towards South African sexual philosophy, rumour has it the president himself is a fan, and likes to wind down the day with the compendium — whisky and Cuban in hand. Just in case he doesn’t, the publishers have kindly availed, for press-release purposes, a section summary:

  • Rule One: Always be immaculately attired. All the rage this season is the mantle of moral rectitude — available for rent from the offices of the Moral Regeneration Movement, which you preferably should have headed (ahem) at some stage.
  • Rule Two: Be a Man, preferably a Patriarch. Show them the bills for your homestead. Bring in your daughters, in ‘Bavarian Nun From Inchanga Mission Meets Stoned Cherrie” print, to talk about how ‘good” girls should dress in front of their elders.

    Then, when they are in a state of ubuntu bliss, rehash that speech you made in Bloemfontein in 2003, urging men ‘to act responsibly, and demonstrate that they care for the wellbeing of their partners …”

  • Rule Three: Credentials. Especially of the South African National Aids Council you headed back in 2000; where you got to question ‘traditional scientific knowledge” and quote Galileo.

    This is helpful if you’re ever accused of raping a HIV-positive woman without a condom. You can always say you never did believe this Aids thing. Virusnosyndromesyndromenovirus … remember?

  • Rule Four: Bring in the Amnesiac Young Lions. With girded (but not fiery, mind!) loins.

    • Chances are they won’t remember all that talk in 2004 of ANC Youth League branches ‘ensuring permanent availability of condoms in their localities”.

    If the youth can’t find i-raincoat, what about a rapscallion grandad from the sticks, right?

    Like most self-help, the book’s aim, according to the preface, is humble. In this case, to rubbish any attempts to encourage safe sex in a population with the highest rate of HIV infections in the world.

    Publishers say sales have sky-rocketed since they affixed the endorsement sticker ‘Couldn’t believe your ears when you heard it on TV? Now read what the Real Man Zuma has to say!”.

    In return for his contribution, Zuma receives a life membership of the ‘Moral Degeneration Movement”, and a voucher (non-redeemable for cattle or Corvettes) to secure another wife.

    The publishers dismissed concerns that the book is, in fact, a criminal hypocrisy by politicians and that it left a bitter taste. They said critics of the book should read it first before deciding.

    Chortled Munusamy R: ‘Nobody wants to eat a banana with the skin on, right?”