Hereunder are a set of what could well turn out to be yet more hoax e-mails. They seem to relate to current political turbulence in the Mother City and came into the possession of Loose Cannon investigators as a result of diligent backbiting among interested municipal bureaucrats at all levels. Loose Cannon in no way attests as to the authenticity of these e-mails. Readers are asked to decide for themselves. Our own guesses as to the decodifications of mystery initials are contained in square brackets.
To: [email protected]
Subject: False promises
Dear Comrade P. Our clandestine contacts at the city’s political shitface are saying that your battle for the mayoral seat is not yet over. If you can dream up another set of the false promises, hollow commitments and blatant lies that you are alleged to use whenever they suit your ambitions, you still will stand a fighting chance of taking over the mayoralityship and, together with us, turning the administration of the country’s most gracious city back into the bed of reeking corruption and criminal incompetence it was when we of the ANC [Association of Nepotists and Cronies] were running things. Just don’t give up hope. Smiley.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: False Promises
Dear Comrade Smiley. Thank you for the encouragement words. My main concerns is in terms of how Dubious Wally has a fair deal for return on his fantastic work in terms of working his office to force-feed pro-ANC bullshit down the throats of the voters when he was the previous city manager. Also his great work in terms of pushing through all the secret multimillion-rand tenders. We now badly need long money in terms of lawyers to take the racist mayor and her white friends to the high court for kicking Dubious Wally out of his worthwhile job. If he gets back all comrades stand well in terms of personal gain. Can you help with the money? Much hugs. P.
To: [email protected]
Subject: False promises
Dear Comrade P. I am prioritising getting in touch with head office about an emergency cash advance against future earnings for the party, to be paid back when we stuff our crafty comrade back into a position where he can get his hands on some more underhand multimillion-rand tenders. With the now certain building of the World Cup stadium plus the other major conversions, new railway links and so on, there is a whole new mountain of money to be flattened. There is simply no time for the sort of careful financial checking this blonde übervixen wants to institute. So hang in there. Yesterday, right out of the blue, I had a phone call from Willy Hofmeyr’s office wanting to know my home address, so I am shitting myself. I have to be extra careful. I just can’t write out cheques anymore. Best as usual. Smiley.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: False Promises
Dear Smiley. I just may not just hang in there. Everyone is already seeing that the [expletives deleted] is getting totally good in terms of fixing up the total disaster your people left the city in. Every day she is starting to dig up more in terms of that which your precious last mayor has been very good at keeping out of the sight of those [three expletives deleted] at Die Burger. Please tell your head office that I didn’t waste time when it was a vote for your lovely mayor lady. If I had stuck by my guns and all the plastic promises I gave to my voters that [expletive deleted] woman would be with now a very strong hold in terms of her majority. Now I need help you and your head office people start running around with stories of we all have to now wait. Me and my people voted for Nomapakistan when the ANC needed us. Now you are suddenly barking in terms of another pole. P.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Help!
Hello Trev. Sorry to have to trouble you in difficult times like these but I’ve got the awful ID [Independent Deceivers] female snapping at my heels. She’s demanding money to fund her pending high court battle to get Comrade Dubious Wally back into his job as the city manager. As you probably know, when it came to diverting municipal resources to keep our party’s flag flying down here, Comrade Dubious Wally was a tower of strength. You only have to drive around this city and smell the overflowing sewers, see the rivers choked with shit to know that the ANC’s way of running municipalities was more than successful. Is there any way you could spare half a mill so the ID female can get Comrade Dubious Wally back into position where he has a proper control of things. My own provincial budget is being far too carefully watched for me to step in. And, by the way, many congratulations on your courageous democratic decision to squander 20 billion on the Gautrain. Warmest regards. Smiley.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re Help!
Dear Smiley. No way. Funding Unkempt J Unkempt in a certain other court case has all but broken the slush fund’s back. Best wishes. Trev.