Many reputable magazines are now carrying ‘lonely hearts” columns in which folk in need of companionship, love and understanding can advertise their pleas. The Mail & Guardian might well consider running such a popular weekly feature. (Guide to commonly used abbreviations: ltr = long-term relationship; gsoh = good sense of humour; wltm = would like to meet.)
Men seeking women
Stinking rich elderly man, owner of several mansions and a luxury flat overlooking Clifton Third Beach, vast motor yacht, three Rolls Royces, private Boeing, Tretchikoff paintings, platoons of willing servants and all other super-wealthy fixtures and fittings, wltm four to five lusciously proportioned young women, between 18 and 21, preferably blonde and busty with a predilection for walking around naked, with a view to sensitive ltr. Reply to Code 1193 with full-length nude photographs.
Unwashable alpha male (47), reddish eyes, shaven skull, plastered head to foot with dragon and snake tattoos, wears grimy T-shirts and ragged jeans, enjoys binge drinking, knife ‘n knuckleduster fights, heroin, crack and dexamphetamine sessions followed by butt-kicking little old ladies, tipping pitiful cripples off their crutches, beating up street children, seeks ltr with loving, caring raunchy-as-a-rattlesnake lady companion of similar sociopathic tendencies and gsoh. Reply to Code 1197 with authenticated copy of police record.
Peter Pan seeks cruel Wendy. Professional lamp post counter with municipality, shy nature, loves lonely walks in the country, draughts, reading Enid Blyton books at lemonade and biscuit picnics under weeping willow trees; wltm vindictive, shiny black leather-garbed dominatrix with vicious stiletto heels, shark-tooth embedded rhino-hide quirts, handcuffs and slave chains. No reasonable offers of humiliation refused. Code 1194
Women seeking men
CLINICALLY DEPRESSED but lovely, slim, long-haired widow (43), 167cm, wltm man of similar chronic psychiatric fugue-state where we can dilate each other’s melancholia, despondencies, paranoiac fixations, pathoneuroses, dementias, aberrant psychoses, senses of rejection, disorientations, Payllit’s post-antagonism syndromes, losses of appetite, suicidal tendencies and Afro-pessimisms with a view to romance and sharing costs of drugs. Code 1199
RUBENESQUE DEPUTY MINISTER (45) desperately seeks replacement toy boy who’s also good at wall repairs. Code 1181
LONELY KAROO WOMAN (67), recently widowed, seeks gentlemanly farm manager good at keeping owner/worker relationships in the state befitting the South African agricultural humanities of the early 1950s. Must supply own disciplinary equipment. Vulgar barnyard activities not entirely out of the question, but regular church attendance enforced. Code 1185
ATTRACTIVE, ELEGANT, CHARISMATIC lady (25), gsoh, very good at music, sports, theatre, arts, chess, pony-trailing, Monopoly, walking tours, window-shopping, embroidery, flyfishing, golf, poker, carpentry, picnics, scuba diving, canasta, gardening, Scrabble, wood carving, photography, home confectionery making, computer games, origami, gliding, archaeology, painting, archery, pewterwork, bricklaying, bridge, pottery, waterskiing, cross-dressing, quantum mathematics, basketwork, parachuting, kite flying, aerobics, embalming, wine tasting, mountaineering, movies, backgammon, cross stitch, kick-boxing, knitting, microwave cooking, writing poetry, table tennis, small animal taxidermy, badminton, reading, snooker, finger painting, speleology, croquet, macramé and long afternoon sleeps, wltm understanding man with the same interests to help me through my lonely hours. Code 1186
Men seeking men
BROKEBACK MOMENTS guaranteed! I’m 43, wild about camping out, lusty for life and wicked sex under canvas while the high mountin’ winds blow; wltm young studs, preferably under 30, with a taste for the strange, the outrageous. Baked beans not supplied. Code 1192.
MUSCULAR AND WILD. I’m 22, and crazy for a life of fun, wltm older sensitive man with understanding medical aid scheme who will accept my occasional relapses into drug-induced fits of uncontrolled physical violence. Code 1187
Women seeking women
LONELY, RECENTLY DIVORCED Taurean (35). After a disastrous seven years playing servant-wench to a male chauvinist warthog would like nervously to try out ‘the other side”, needs a guiding spirit. Code 1188.
ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, we five are 57, 45, 48, 22 and 64, all slim and athletic, wltm no-nonsense, solvent, extra soulmate ‘Number 6” for endlessly permutational weekend orgies in wilderness settings. Code 1191.
Men seeking anything
DESPICABLE 82-YEAR-OLD HOLY PAEDOPHILE, currently on long-term ‘Cardinal’s Bail” while investigations show occasional signs of getting under way, relating to 47 charges of my having interfered sexually with children during my devotional life as a Catholic priest in the 1960s. Wltm anyone below the age of consent who would enjoy viewing my fine collection of exciting computer photographs, eating lots of ice cream, sweets and cake, and being blessed as they’re delivered back on to the streets in the small hours. Meet me at corner 3rd Avenue and Hansard Street any night around seven. Look out for a bilious green 1987 Mercedes two-door with a leaping Jesus pixie bonnet ornament. Code 1195
I CAN NAME all the DA members of Parliament while receiving oral sex. Anyone interested? Code 1180
EX-FASCIST SECRET POLICE BOSS seeks as many chances as he can get to perform obscenely hypocritical Christ impersonations by washing the feet of the sort of people whose race he so despised all of 16 years ago, he used to have his goons in the police force torture and murder hundreds of them.
The M&G advises: always meet in a public place, excluding urinals; leave details of your meeting with others; do not accept offers of transport other than of the emotional variety.