Picture this: a taxi boss has just hired a driver for one of his cabs. The two men have discussed everything from the code of conduct to payment matters and they are, of course, happy to be embarking on this relationship.
As they shake hands on the rather successful deal, the driver makes a last suggestion: ”By the way, I noticed that the vehicle I’ll be driving doesn’t have a name. Would you mind if we gave it one?”
”Not a bad idea at all,” responds the impressed boss. ”I’ll tell you what, you just think of a few ideas for a name and we’ll make time soon to go through the list and choose the best one. Good work, man.”
You see, the peculiar, somewhat bizarre phenomenon of ”naming” taxis has probably been around as long as the taxis themselves.
In case you’re wondering what drug I’m on and why I’m bothering you with nonsense, think about that one afternoon after work when you were stuck in peak-hour traffic and had nowhere else to go but sit behind a taxi in bumper-to-bumper traffic in the city centre. You noticed those big bold letters that read ”Red for Danger” on the rear windscreen of the loud, red minibus taxi in front of you that was revving away unnecessarily because the driver thought he was the only living soul who was being inconvenienced on that day.
You’ve got an idea of what I’m talking about, right? Daar is jy.
Now I’ll tell you my story. I’ve always been fascinated by the idea that taxi owners/drivers actually think up a name or phrase to go with their vehicle. I must admit, I’ve always thought it wasn’t only gutsy, but also sweet, in that weird I-can-do-what-I-want-cause-I’m-my-own-boss kinda way. Blame it on my overactive imagine, but I’ve always wondered who in the world comes up with the names, or even better yet, who the artist is who is commissioned to put together the particular work of art.
Such is my fascination that I’ve taken the liberty of dividing these names, the trademark inscriptions that they are, into categories. I suppose someone with an even more active imagination could come up with more categories than this, but for now I’ll settle on the four. They are, in no particular order: the obvious, the rebellious, the obscure and — believe it or not — the inspirational.
The obvious
These are obvious in the sense that anyone could have thought of them. I can’t remember how many times I’ve secretly chuckled to myself over Simply the Best — mainly because I couldn’t exactly figure out who ”the best” is that is being referred to, but it’s a toss between cab and driver. And what would that sexy siren that is Tina Turner have to say about this, I wonder. Speaking of famous musicians, George Micheal’s Careless Whisper features in none other than the regal-looking cassic font on one jalopy probably made around the same time as the lovers’ anthem.
And how do you think Chris de Burgh, during his recent visit to South Africa, would have reacted to news that the Lady in Red ferries commuters to and fro in the Benoni area? Local hits aren’t left out of the naming game either, no sir. Mandoza’s very popular Nkalakatha is not only featured on the back, but also the front of a sound-blasting machine that is very popular with school kids in Daveyton.
The rebellious
The guys who come up with these names mean business — and they are not afraid to let the rest of us know. There’s no question about it, if these guys only had vanity in mind, their trophy vehicles would sport the latest rims, sound systems or even tinted windows. But they need to make a statement, hence gut-wrenching names such as Boss of the Road, which translates into ”You do not wanna mess with me”.
Also in this category are Red Dragon, Too Young to Die, Catch me if you Can and Speed Master. The less said about these four, the better.
The obscure
What would come to mind if you were to spot a taxi named De jà vu? Nothing? My point exactly. The obscure category features contenders for the big-flat-slap-on-the-face-for-wasting-perfectly-good-windscreen-space award. I mean, really! Nice Things features in this category, so does Happy People (although I do admit that this one could very well belong to a die-hard Orlando Pirates supporter) and Summertime (which would have you asking if this comes down in winter). Another is Fantasy (you’re asking yourself ”Whose fantasy are we talking here?).
The inspirational
My favourite category by far. Wouldn’t you be invigorated into having a good day if you came across a Love is Blind? How about Only Fools Fall in Love, No Time Like the Present, Time Heals all Wounds, Modimo o thusa ba ithusang (God helps those who help themselves) or Izandla ziyagezana (You scratch my back, I scratch yours)? You see what I mean?
You do, of course, also get the marketing person’s dream. Occasionally I come across names that have me thinking, ”Didn’t that guy need permission to put that there?” One of the most popular ones is the Nike symbol — sometimes with the name, sometimes without. I’m sure I’ve also seen Adidas and Lacoste (with the crocodile, I tell you!). One two-toned popular ride is aptly named Dry Lemon, as if Coca-Cola doesn’t have its advertising covered. Other brand names include Ellesse, Billabong, Loxion Kulca and Puma. The list is endless.
I would say the government should probably look at scrapping the taxi-naming trend, lest it all gets out of hand and starts bordering on the offensive. But it is true that when you own something, you decide what you call it, in the words of Frank Lucas in American Gangster, who is after all, a ghetto boss. I hope you get the connection.