I have a friend from KwaZulu- Natal who has now started studiously avoiding going home for holidays to dodge the unspoken but implied nagging question: ‘Uphi umkhwenyana?†(No husband,
as yet?)
Although always willing to entertain these questions in the past, she has resolutely vowed not to visit any time soon after a relative of hers hinted at first, then boldly suggested and tried to coax her to perhaps see umuntu to get to the bottom of her man problems. Or at least find out why, at the age of 34, she had not been able to catch and keep one.
She has been single for four years now and the folks back home are confounded about what to do. Needless to say, after that unseemly tête à tête she was on the next flight back to Johannesburg, chortling and sniggering for the entire 45-minute trip. What truth might a bone thrower unearth that her own blindingly obvious loneliness hasn’t already told her, she mused.
I doubt the answers can be found by throwing a few bones, sneezing through a box of snuff of whatever gets done when one goes to see umuntu. What I do know is that there is a crisis. The deep incongruence and divide between what we expect of each other as men and women is growing.
It seems the chances of a woman finding a suitable lifetime partner are about as slim as Ras Dumisani ever hitting the right note on any song, let alone the national anthem. This view was reinforced this week, after observing the near collapse of that ludicrous radio competition — 2 Strangers and a Wedding.
A farce
I pontificated in this column a few weeks ago about what a farce the so-called social experiment was. My objections were based on the fact that marriage isn’t something you enter into or gamble with on a radio game show.
Just to remind you how it works: prospective brides and grooms compete live over the airwaves for the chance of scooping a lifetime partner. Prospective candidates were invited to submit their applications from which a panel and listeners would select the ultimate bride. The bride-to-be would then select her future hubbie from the top-five most eligible male prospects.
The bride was supposed to have been announced on Monday but this was postponed until later in the week. Much to their dismay, the organisers have been horrified at the calibre of the male contenders.
After a rigorous selection process the five remaining male candidates were found to be so wanting in terms of quality that the organisers have decided against punishing the prospective brides with such undesirable grooms. Instead they have delayed proceedings to allow more time to solicit and source eligible bachelors who would match the calibre of the female candidates, who are said to be smart, beautiful professionals.
The would-be brides were devastated when they heard the news; such is the desperation of our generation.
A microcosm of SA
As despicable as I find the concept of 2 strangers, there is something to be learned from it. We can draw the inference that this is a microcosm of what is happening broadly in South African society.
Women, as we know, far outnumber men, but what is also emerging is that the women who are single and looking for partners will not find their match because people of the same intellect, values and background are simply not there. Those who may imbue those characteristics have disengaged from the game.
It’s often speculated that one of the reasons for this is that these men are intimidated by independent and successful women and that they make the men feel emasculated.
The other reason is that men — like kids in a candy store — are unlikely to settle down when there are several exciting possibilities from which to choose.
What are the future prospects for a community that is not going to have formal family units and marriages? It can’t be good. Family units are the basis on which communities and societies are built. That means the society we have is likely to be as discordant as Dumisane’s rendition of the national anthem.
New minister at a loss
I’ve read that the new Minister of Women, Youth and People with Disabilities, Noluthando Mayende-Sibiya, has been twiddling her thumbs, at a loss about what to do with her newly formed portfolio.
In much the same way that the previous finance minister used to ask the public for ‘tips for Trevorâ€, she should start her own ‘notes for Noluthandoâ€.
I suggest as a possible start that she commission or undertake a major sociological study that will unpack and analyse the roles of men and women in modern-day South Africa and what the factors are that influence this discord.
She may find it a useful tool and it could be instructive in tackling a host of other social ills that plague the country. I imagine that might keep her busy for a while.