Better the devil you know
ANC voters say that the current spate of scandals and cronyism will not make them less likely to vote for the party. “If they cut off my legs, baked them in a pie and forced me to eat them I might take it up with my local ANC councilor,” said voter Rubberstamp Dandala. “But if it’s a choice between being mutilated by Msholozi while he laughs all the way to the bank and voting for that Witch Queen jackal spawn Zille, it’s a no-brainer.”
Render unto Julius
The ANC has denied that Julius Malema is enriching himself at the expense of the masses, saying that he is only helping himself to tax revenue paid mainly by Democratic Alliance voters. “The ANC-voting masses contribute almost no tax revenue,” explained spokesman Gravytrain Vilakazi, “so this doesn’t really affect them at all.” Vilakazi said that Malema was actually committing an act of revolutionary patriotism. “He is single-handedly taking the National Democratic Revolution forward by liberating money from DA voters and redistributing it to liquor stores, meat wholesalers and estate agents.”
Tough love
The Limpopo provincial government says it has developed a new strategy to deal with shoddy RDP housing contractors. Under the new action plan any contractor found guilty of doing substandard work will be paid in full and given a testimonial with a smiley-face sticker on it but will not be invited to the Premier’s ball, unless they are a major donor. “That’ll show them,” said a spokesman.
Meathead
Tenderpreneur Julius Malema has blamed a racist media conspiracy for trying to discredit him, but leading doctors to believe he needs no help discrediting himself, mainly because he appears to have a glazed festive gammon instead of a brain. “He’s actually very high-functioning for someone with honey-glazed pork for a frontal lobe,” explained Dr Lobo von Sleiz. “Clearly there’s just enough synaptic activity happening between the cherries and the cloves to allow him to feel certain very primitive emotions such as racist paranoia and rampant greed.”
White rage
The Democratic Alliance has confirmed that fishwife Dianne Kohler-Barnard — suspended for shouting “Fuck you!” at ANC MPs — has been signed up for a week of intensive therapy, including coffee enemas, to tackle her blind rage. It is believed that Kohler-Barnard, the wife of Skarsgard the Fishmonger of Bubo Lane, also tried to empty a bedpan onto the head the Speaker from the gallery, sprinkled a vial of plague fleas into the socks of President Jacob Zuma and tried to set fire to her wooden clogs and sackcloth petticoats to cause a diversion to allow her to flee the legislature.
Airbust
The historic touchdown of the Airbus A380 — the world’s largest airliner — in Johannesburg has been slammed by over-extended baggage thieves. According to the thieves, who already work 12-hour shifts, airlines are shifting the goalposts by buying the enormous aircraft. “Do you know how long it takes to slash open every toiletry bag in an A380’s hold?” said one sleep-deprived thief. “This is barbaric.”
Back to the future
ANC Youth League spokesman Floyd “Baby Doc” Shivambu has explained why he said “fuck you” to a journalist wanting information on Julius Malema’s business interests, saying that he was practicing for when he is First Consort and Aide to President For Life, Field Marshal Julius Malema, Emperor of the Democratic People’s Utopia of South Africa, in about 2020. “They say the pen is mightier than the sword,” added Shivambu. “So you use a pen and I’ll use a Makarov 9-mil and let’s see who wins.”
Balls up
Almost 100 days before the kick-off of the World Cup, Bafana Bafana have been forced to move their training camp to Sandown High School after it was discovered that their planned base at the Esselen Park School of Excellence was unusable. Coach Carlos Alberto Parreira says he was happy with the school’s facilities but has turned down an invitation to play against the Under-13 Special Education social soccer team. “My boys don’t need another loss this early in their build-up,” he said.