You’ve got to hand it to Angelina Jolie. She is the only home wrecker who has managed to win the admiration of women around the world, in spite of having dealt a rather nasty hand to one of her own. Hollywood has packaged Jolie as the quintessential heroine since she secured the role of CIA agent Evelyn Salt in the action thriller, Salt.
Much is being made in the publicity for the movie of the fact that the role was originally written for a man but, as a woman, she has transcended gender stereotyping by scooping the lead role in the traditionally male-dominated action-thriller genre.
Hooray for her. But what lessons can be learned from the success of a Hollywood star whose life is so out of reach to most of us? Women are constantly breaking barriers, shattering the glass ceiling in many areas of professional life. While Jolie has made Hollywood history, she is also a globetrotting humanitarian, mother of six and partner to Brad Pitt. Shoo! How does she get it all right? Is that an ideal to which we should aspire? Let’s unpack why she is seemingly able to achieve such success and balance.
She has lots of money and, if she chooses, needs to work for only about three months each year on one film project while her partner takes over the duties of raising their children. The rest of the year is spent with her family. With the pockets of cash she has, she can also employ an army of assistants to help her look after the home and children as well as the mandatory fitness experts who will ensure she retains that slim and taut physique. What a cushy arrangement.
I have a habit of watching other moms during the early morning drop-off and afternoon pick-up routine at my son’s school, hoping, I suppose, to observe and learn to parent without looking like I’ve been run over by a truck every morning. It’s easy to tell the stay-at-home moms from the working ones. Working moms like me tend to wear the expression of a hounded animal, while the stay-at-homes seem far less harassed and exude an enviable serenity.
As women’s month comes to an end, I can’t help wondering whether we are finding fulfilment and happiness in the roles we’ve chosen. Are we reaping the fruits of the struggle we’ve waged for equality and advancement? Have the sacrifices we’ve made made us happy? The benefits, though they are far from being the case for the majority of women in South Africa, are clear to see: higher and better paying positions in the workplace and the financial independence it brings.
But, at what price? I’ve solicited some admirable professionals, including wives, moms and girlfriends, and put this question to them: In the race to have it all, what have we lost?
A social anthropologist friend mused that the biggest loss in her view was “the joy of doing one thing at a time. Multitasking is a toxin that ruins your mind, body and spirit. Single-focus living is much more rewarding.”
Journalist Karima Brown put it like this: “I believe we are aping maleness. It means we buy into patriarchy in an effort to be successful in an unchanging male culture. Essentially, we are not challenging gender relations, we have been co-opted into the dominant culture. This means the biggest thing we have lost is our ability to bring change, especially in terms of power relations.” She points out: “It is a myth that we can do it all. No one can. Men do well because they have wives. Women need wives.”
This view was supported by another scribe, Faith Daniels, who said that “we’ve lost the understanding of what a partnership is about. We build so many things on our own that it’s hard to stop building all on our own and allow another person or partner to chip in.”
The saddest observation came from my friend and health professional, Dr Penny Tlabi, who opined that in our race to succeed and juggle all the proverbial balls, we’ve lost our gentleness and kindness, especially towards other women.
We seem to take pleasure when other women appear to be dropping balls, saying nasty things like: “Oh she’s really let herself go.” We seem to feel satisfied when we realise that our peers are also not getting it just right all of the time. She argued that we need to be kinder to ourselves and to other women.
So, the modern professional woman, at least according to these views, seems to be a harassed and impatient mother. Someone who, in her multi-tasking, is failing to pay adequate attention to the many roles she fulfils. She has aped male characteristics instead of challenging the environment in which she operates. And she has adopted hostility as opposed to gentility in her face to the world.
Is that good enough? Is that what the struggle for equality and emancipation has been and continues to be about? I wonder.