I have found a way to endure a treadmill workout. No, not endure — I have found a way to look forward to my treadmill workouts. I do not want to exercise. I want to read and watch movies. Also eat. I like that a lot, too. Oh,and I also really enjoy drinking alcohol, including some high-calorie cocktails.
These desires necessitate that I have a regular exercise programme or else I am going to slide into an obese alcoholic lethargy that will surely reduce the years I can do what I want to do — which is to eat, drink, watch Âmovies and read. I own a treadmill.
My treadmill goal is simple: burn 500 calories. To do this, I need to be on the treadmill for one hour; 60 eternity-long minutes. And then I have to do it again and again, four or five times a week, every week. I start walking at a rate of 4.8km/h. After three minutes I increase the speed by 0.1 each minute, so that at 10 minutes I am at a speed of 6.1km/h. I also take the incline from 3.0 to 5.0 during those 10 minutes.
I need this type of extended ramp-up because I have such strong avoidant feelings that it must be easy-peasy to start. I think of myself as a wild animal that has to be coaxed gently into the captivity of the exercise machine. When I get to 10 minutes and I have 50 minutes left, I move my arms around in some way for three minutes — punching forward, punching up above my head, flapping my arms like a bird or pulling them back as if I am rowing. On the alternate three minutes, I just walk with my hands on the bars.
For me, 6.1km/h is just short of running and I absolutely refuse to run. I hate it so much. I thought it was because I had big, floppy breasts and it hurt just to jog. I would have to hold on to my breasts to run, which made me look ridiculous. I looked as if I was trying to escape from being sexually assaulted by my own hands.
In any case, I had a breast reduction and I still do not want to run. (By the way, smaller breasts rock. They are better in every way.) Here the problem lies: this regime is really hard and boring — two terrible attributes to have associated with something you must do. The Âproblem is the mind: it does not want to work out because it is Âexcruciatingly tedious. Music helps. But making perfect workout play lists takes time.
I am so pernickety about music that this task can become a black hole that sucks away my day. And because I get bored with the list quickly, I would have to do another list too soon. I do not want to take the time for that. So here is my secret: audio books. When I first considered listening to audio books, I was snobby about it. In my opinion, only the blind could listen to audio books with dignity.
I figured people who listened to audio books were those who needed to be read to, like children. I imagined halfwits who listened to romance novels while eating sweets. But that is all wrong. There are a lot of fantastic audio books out there. There are written masterpieces, with equally excellent performances by the narrator. And they have an ingredient music does not have: they are compelling.
You want to find out more. You have to discipline yourself not to listen to the audio book unless you are on the treadmill. Then the workouts become something to which you look forward, something you move up in your day instead of procrastinating about it. It is the key. You will find yourself wondering, what is going to happen next?
I better get my butt on that treadmill. Yes, there are some lame audio books. But here are a few I have Âlistened to recently that I loved dearly. (I download my books from www.audible.com and I am a monthly subscriber, so it is inexpensive. Another note: I get only unabridged books; I do not trust the abridged ones.)
Life by Keith Richards and James Fox
The secret greatness of this book is Joe Hurley, who narrates 70% of it. Johnny Depp reads a few of the first chapters and a few of the last chapters and he is good, but Hurley is great. In fact, Hurley is better at portraying Keith Richards than Keith Richards! (Richards reads the first and last chapters.) This audio book is 23 hours long. I alternated listening to it with play lists of Rolling Stones songs I love.
John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman
Another long one — 18.5 hours for the first volume and 14 hours for the second. I alternated listening to it with Beatles play lists.
Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea by Barbara Demick
Excuse me, but I must insist that you listen to this book. This is a mandatory one. It is so well written; beautiful and terribly sad. Demick interviews North Koreans who have escaped the country and weaves together a narrative that is astonishing. It is the best audio book I have listened to in the past year.
Destiny Disrupted: A History of the World Through Islamic Eyes by Tamim Ansary
A thoroughly engaging history of Islam from the beginning all the way to the present day. Ansary was born in Afghanistan and now lives in San Francisco. He is a wonderful writer and it was enlightening and even inspiring to listen to this book — and he narrates it himself.
Your Brain at Work by David Rock
This is a brain science and, I guess, self-help book. Rock takes all the recent brain knowledge and understanding — the part that is really useful for ordinary people — and Âpresents it as a story in a play format, which makes it easy to comprehend and then to remember.
Talent Is Overrated by Geoff Colvin
The basic idea is that there is no such thing as talent and it is all about focused practice. This book changed the way I raise my daughter, the way I practise my own work.
These books alone add up to 100 hours of listening. That is 100 x 500 calories = 50?000 calories. That is a lot of cocktails and beurre blanc. If I had not replaced those burned calories with eaten ones, I would have lost almost 6.8kg right there. That is great value. Plus, I learned a lot while doing it.