/ 25 August 2011

Our sperm is green

Why are they showing an old European porn movie on Supersport? Uh oh, somebody at DStv has made a big mistake. Well, that was my immediate thought when I switched over to watch the live announcement of the Springbok squad for Rugby World Cup 2011.

It turned out that the wet-lipped porn star dressed as a gamine schoolboy, his beefy frame squeezed into a green school blazer, and his coquettish blond locks flowing out from under a ridiculous schoolboy cap with a perky little tassel, was in fact Schalk Burger. What the heck is that all about?! I mean, call me Jon Qwelane if you will, but rugby players dressed up as a bigot’s idea of a paedophile’s fantasy is not okay.

With all this Village People dress sense going on, the least awkward moment of the Springbok selection was when Just Jinjer’s singer Ard Matthews managed to turn the national anthem into a karaoke disaster. We’re currently running a poll asking which is the best butchered version of our anthem, Ras Dumisani vs Ard. Jah Wobble vs Just Jinjer, if you will. Unfortunately for the two of them — and to paraphrase Pierre de Coubertin, considered the father of the modern Olympics — in this case it really isn’t about whether you win or lose — it’s the taking part. Poor sods.

I don’t particularly care about anthems, especially ones that are religious, like our own God save Africa. At least ours doesn’t have lyrics that are too naff, like New Zealand’s God Defend New Zealand (From the Orcs), which appears to be about the virtues of S&M and bondage (“God of nations at thy feet, in the bonds of love we meet”). Australia’s Advance Australia Fair (Now With Added Asians) is also pretty funny. It’s got a bit in it (now rarely sung, alas), about how Aussies really, really, really love England. And a bit that goes: “Britannia then shall surely know, her sons in fair Australia’s land, still keep a British soul.” Embarrassing!

But not as embarrassing as how porn the Springboks are. I suppose I should have expected it after that last video they shot at Kamp Staaldraad, with the famous naked-men mud-wrestling sequence. And let’s not forget that time Bob Skinstad’s tongue was voted “Most Likely to Make you Touch, Pause and Engage”. Frankly, if your coach has a moustache based on the famous 1970s model designed to stop sperm running up your nose, you have to expect a certain level of … well, let’s call it pornification. But seriously — you’re putting guys called Butch and Beast into little frilly caps that look like air bubbles on top of a condom stuffed with rocks? What are we trying to do here, break into the Dutch specialist sex market?

The omens are not good, people. I’m all for thinking outside the Boks, but I fear we’ve gone too far here.

Follow Chris on Twitter @ChrisRoperZA