Patrice Motsepe
When an oligarch buys himself a football club, he usually wants it to serve as a kind of easy-going mistress. The club is supposed to give him a glamorous escape from the existential tension of being disgustingly rich. But inevitably, the club-mistress becomes another gushing well of existential tension. Ask Roman Abramovich or Patrice Motsepe, who have both found that football can be even messier than real life.
But in South Africa, the club-as-mistress fantasy hasn't fired the imaginations of our footie-loving tycoons, who have not followed Motsepe into the dubious boudoir of the PSL. Perhaps they've been deterred by Downs' underwhelming record in the decade since Motsepe took over. Nor does it help that the two sexiest PSL properties are firmly duopolised by Kaizer Motaung and Irvin Khoza, who are both married to their clubs until death do them part. Like most of their fellow PSL supremos, they are not in the business of burning money. They're football entrepreneurs who balance the books, paying themselves handsomely en route.
Of course there's much to be said for such prudence. But our shortage of oligarchs has a price. Although the PSL is internally competitive, it has failed to grab the world's attention since the 2010 World Cup by luring veteran stars from abroad – aside from Benni McCarthy, a South African, and the Zimbabwean Benjani Mwaruwari, a nostalgic PSL alumnus.
Vaccuming superstars
Since 2010, the Russian and Chinese leagues have been vacuuming superstars away from Western Europe by paying salaries astronomically beyond the range of the PSL. Nobody is expecting local clubs to compete on that level. But when the deeply humdrum Australian A-League is graced by the great Alessandro del Piero at Sydney FC, you have to wonder whether we're missing a trick. (Unsurprisingly, Sydney FC is owned by the Russian tycoon David Traktovenko.)
The closest we have to some oligarchic showbiz down here is Chippa United founder Chippa Mpengesi, who has done his bit to enliven the scene by treating his coaches like triple-ply toilet rolls. But the former security guard's club will be lucky to stay up in May.
And if you're expecting Brian Joffe to shake up the league's food chain, think again. The Bidvest founder and chief executive has been the majority owner of Bidvest Wits for several years, and there's been buzz lately that he's preparing to splurge on big players. But the football club's chief executive José Ferreira reckons we should cool our boots.
"There's a budget at Bidvest Wits," Ferreira said this week. "We have to operate like SuperSport United and you can be competitive with that kind of budget. And if you're competitive, eventually you'll win something." He says the might of the Bidvest Group (valued at R80-billion) is irrelevant.
Louis Saha to Wits?
Wits were linked in January with French striker Louis Saha, who moved to Lazio from Sunderland instead – but Ferreira says there was no effort to buy him.
"We've got a relationship with Sunderland, and they approached us, saying they were prepared to give him to us for six months and they would carry his wages. We didn't deliberately chase him.
"I had reservations, even though they were going to pay his salary. By bringing him, you're promoting the brand, but what are you doing to your team dynamics?" said Ferreira.
As for the Sunday Times's report that SuperSport United coach Gavin Hunt has accepted a "head-spinning" offer from the Clever Boys, Ferreira is not amused.
"The decision of who will be the coach next season – Clive Barker or someone else – is one we will only take at the end of this season. We'll make a call and that process will not happen through the media. If that's a game that SuperSport want to play, then let them play that game by themselves. We will not play that game."
That smoky aroma you're smelling comes from a fire. Hunt declined to comment this week, saying he was under contract to SuperSport and committed to his team.
"I've been with this club for years and I'm happy." When pressed on whether a fresh challenge would be inspiring, he laughed. "I'm inspired every day. I'm even inspired to win my five-a-side game tomorrow morning."
Unable to compete
Even if Ferreira is understating his club's ambition to preserve his bargaining position in the market, he's blunt about the limits of the PSL's potential.
"There's only so much money that our economy can generate," he said. "I don't think we will ever be able to compete with the European leagues."
But not everyone is as coldly realistic. Former Ajax Cape Town chief executive and honorary life chairperson John Comitis has the rather fanciful dream of getting Patricia de Lille to buy his club an elderly Italian superstar or three.
"We should focus on getting the cities involved financially," he said from Athens this week. "Bringing in marquee players could get Cape Town's affluent football support base involved in the club. There's a possibility to ignite something new by stacking up three or four big names – it's a self-fulfilling thing that will pay for itself.
"Look at Real Madrid: the city assisted them in bringing in Cristiano Ronaldo and Kaka. And Madrid has became a global destination because of those names. On a smaller scale we can achieve something similar. The question is how we fund this. The problem is our politics: people will ask why isn't the city spending that money on this and this, but somewhere along the line have to take the attitude that we need a flagship club in every city.
"We discussed bringing in Del Piero," said Comitis. "I also looked at Robbie Fowler when he was about to retire, but he was a bit far from us financially. I even contacted Edwin van der Sar, after [Hans] Vonk retired."
Ajax are struggling to avoid the drop amid a tedious courtroom battle between the two families who co-own the club: the Comitises and the Efstathious. But Comitis says a buyout will happen – one way or another – and the Urban Warriors will get back to business. He welcomes the emergence of Wits as serious spenders.
"I think they've got the money and, the more clubs do it, the more clubs will have to do it."
Comitis reckons there's no point in signing just one marquee player. "You need to buy three. It takes somebody with some balls."
True. But there are umpteen footie bosses out there with some balls. You also need some billions.