Elections 2014: You'll need a sense of Zuma
May 2014: The ANC scores a landslide victory in the Special 20th Anniversary Edition of South Africa’s national and provincial elections. To celebrate, millions of ANC supporters toyi-toyi through the streets, causing the land to slide a little further into the sea in the vicinity of Cape Town.
The Democratic Alliance retains the Western Cape by a comfortable margin, except in Camps Bay and Clifton, where the margin is extremely snug and secure, with glorious ocean views and private off-street parking.
The Economic Freedom Fighters take several seats in Parliament but are immediately ordered by the speaker to put them back, since they are government property. In protest, thousands of EFF supporters march on the N1 to physically destroy e-tolls.
When nobody remembers to bring along a hammer, or even a sickle, they decide to march on the nearest South African National Roads Agency customer centre and physically destroy e-tags instead, after standing in an orderly queue to purchase them.
June 2014: The price of petrol goes up by R5.40 a litre to compensate for the 15c a litre decrease just before the election. Motorists around the country, tricked into voting for the ruling party, abandon their cars on freeways and city streets, not out of protest but because they have run out of petrol.
July 2014: A fresh scandal erupts over presidential spending, as a leaked public works department document reveals that the “tuck shop” at Nkandla is actually a fully fledged franchise of Tasha’s, complete with a pop-up Luminance boutique.
The president scoffs at the controversy, saying he did not order the modification, although he did order the eggs benedict with extra bacon and artisanal toast.
Meanwhile, in a landmark judgment, the Constitutional Court rules that the EFF must apologise for calling Zuma a “butternut”. EFF commissar Floyd Shivambu pens a grovelling letter of apology to the Butternut Growers’ Association of South Africa, and the matter is considered closed.
August 2014: Proving that the ANC has a good story to tell, Zuma announces that, in the current financial quarter alone, the government has created more than 160 000 jobs for pals, while close to R750-million of discretionary funds has been ring-fenced to provide ring fencing around the president’s other homes.
At the same time, as part of a series of sweeping new austerity measures, the civil service is streamlined to eliminate hundreds of surplus and unnecessary posts. Among them is the post of public protector, leaving advocate Thuli Madonsela free at last to pursue her dream of finding an actress to portray her in the movie of her life.
September 2014: At a gala function starring a dazzling array of acts, excluding any who have ever performed at a gala function organised by the DA, the government launches its much-vaunted department of good stories, set up to provide a steady stream of positive news and information to media organisations, totally free of charge.
Journalists who insist on ignoring the good stories to report on allegations of government corruption and maladministration, on the other hand, are charged under the Protection of State Information Act, albeit only with a few mild jolts from a Taser, in line with the free speech limitations of section 16 of the Constitution.
October 2014: When the ad hoc parliamentary committee to investigate the Nkandla report is adjourned yet again, this time to seek fresh legal opinion on the precise meaning of “ad hoc”, the DA submits an urgent motion to have Zuma removed from office with immediate effect.
The motion is dismissed, however, on the grounds that the president has already left his office and gone home to Nkandla for the weekend. In response, the DA sends an SMS to 25-million registered voters, asking them if they have WhatsApp, because it’s much cheaper for bulk messaging.
November 2014: In its first real display of legislative muscle, the EFF tables a motion to physically destroy Parliament, on the basis that is not representative enough of the EFF.
The motion is overturned, and so is the table, leading to a raucous economic freedom fistfight, in the process of which several red berets are trampled on, turned inside out, and miraculously reshaped to be worn at the correct angle for a people’s socialist revolution.
In gratitude, Parliament adjourns for a small Guy Fawkes display, organised by the Patriotic Alliance in the Company’s Garden.
December 2014: As the year draws to a close, Zuma jets off on a multination African tour, for crisis talks with a string of leaders who have been brought to the brink of war by Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula’s tweets about relative athletic prowess on the continent.
Deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa takes charge of the country in the interim, until Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe steps in to say that he is actually the deputy president around here.
Fears of a split in the upper echelons of the party are only averted when an exhausted Zuma returns from his mission, and the nation is once again united in relief at the thought that there are only a few more years to go until someone else takes over for good.
February 2015: As the fifth Parliament of the Republic of South Africa reconvenes, and the nation gets set to celebrate the 21st anniversary of democracy, Zuma commits himself to the ideal of a dynamic, prosperous and equal society, free of fear, corruption, injustice and the abuse of executive power.
Please note: Presidential terms and conditions apply, at least until the next elections in 2019