(Reuters)
THE FIFTH COLUMN
Dear Sir or Madam, welcome to the fair state of South Africa. We received your diploma and I am pleased to inform you that you qualify for premium diplomatic immunity, including full protection from prosecution for assault with a home appliance!
We are very happy to have you in the country and would also like to extend complete immunity from prosecution by the International Criminal Court, thrown in to make your stay extra-special. This is an offer you won’t find anywhere else and comes standard with all the bells and whistles of a free trip home and classy accommodation at one of our leading hotels at no extra charge.
But wait, there’s more!
If you play your cards right (or not, it doesn’t really matter) you will get to land your plane at one of our air- force bases, appoint Cabinet ministers and loot the treasury. That’s right! Full state capture for the low, low price of nothing.
As a preferred citizen, you will also enjoy immunity from run-down public restrooms, television reruns, flying next to babies and slow internet. Say goodbye to equality. Say hello to state-sponsored superiority!
Regrettably — and there’s not much we can do about this — not included in your premium package is immunity from irresponsible members of the public who will hurl childish insults at your blue-light brigade as it makes its way through town.
We share this information in the spirit of full disclosure and would like to warn that you will have to contend with middle fingers, loud hooting and a choice selection of swear words. As standard procedure, we urge all dignitaries to apply quiet diplomacy and just face forwards.
In the pouch in front of you, you will find headphones through which you can listen to South Africa’s rich history of corruption during this time. Tune in for classics such as How to Win Fifa Bids and Influence Officials, and Senseless Government Spending: A Travel Diary.
Please enjoy your time with us while you make use of this once-in-a-lifetime offer.
Kulungile, Welkom, Wamkilikile, Welcome.
Disclaimer: Kindly note that the Premium Diplomatic Immunity Package falls well outside the Vienna Convention of Diplomatic Conventions, but fully inside the Republic of South Africa’s unconventional approach to government. Family members qualify automatically. Lifetime guarantee