THE FIFTH COLUMN
So, finally, eight long years later, Game of Thrones is over. We can stop speculating about who’s going to die in episodes up ahead — or holding our breaths while watching in case someone important gets whacked or iced very suddenly.
Best of all, we don’t have to avoid the internet on a Monday in case we see something that constitutes a spoiler. God forbid we should ruin the suspense of any given episode by knowing in advance what’s going to happen!
Mind you, we nearly missed Daenerys Targaryen getting her comeuppance, in this last episode, because for once the showrunners underplayed it. We all suspected it was coming, but when it did you might’ve mistaken it for Daenerys having a bit of acid reflux just at the inconvenient moment she was about to lock lips with her on-off lover Jon Snow.
We can also, now, ignore all the fan speculation about how it would resolve itself. The showrunners had thinned out the character development to such a degree, and drained the dialogue of anything but theme-signalling, that it made it possible to predict almost any unexpected event. The fact that, by the end, Ms Targaryen was the character with the most complexity certainly said something.
More than a million fans have signed a petition to have the eighth season redone, largely, it seems, because they didn’t like the way Daenerys turned out not to be the fully fledged democrat and all-round selfless liberator they took her to be.
They want the whole thing rescripted, so perhaps we can expect yet more online argument about what should really happen and how each character could end up.
Daenerys and Jon, obviously, get to live happily ever after, perched together on an Iron Throne that has now been expanded (by useful reforging, using carefully directed dragonfire?) to fit two royal bums.
Both dragons survive season eight, not just one, and it turns out they’re actually a man dragon and a lady dragon, and they settle down happily at Dragonstone or in the dragon pit at King’s Landing and lay lots of lovely dragon eggs, or the lady dragon does. They also become vegetarian.
Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister do not have a romantic moment after the Battle of Winterfell. Instead, the long-bubbling vibe between Tormund Giantsbane of the Free Folk and Brienne comes to a head. Tormund cleans up a tad, Brienne grows out her hair and gets some nice lady clothes, and they go off together to wander the icy wastes up north and raise a family of half-free kids.
Cersei Lannister gives birth to a bouncing baby boy, realises she doesn’t want to be queen any more, and retires happily to High Garden.
That sort of thing.
I’m just concerned about all those people who named their newborn daughters after Daenerys. They’re going to spend their lives telling people how to spell it.