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Top five ugliest cars ever to have hoodwinked South Africans

There is an overflow of garbage on our city streets. We’re not talking about plastic this time, but rather unsightly, wheezing, wheeled monuments to our bad decision-making. The following cars have all sold inexplicably well on these shores despite having designs that a four-year-old’s mother would refuse to hang on the fridge.

Let’s get the Fiat Multipla out of the way first. Because you can’t have a list of ugly anything without mentioning this monstrosity. Just what its creators were thinking when they released this out of its cage and onto the streets will remain one of life’s enduring mysteries. It is to cars what Human Centipede is to film. Its lights stick out like the deep-sea anglerfish found at the bottom of the ocean … which is exactly where it belongs.

The Chrysler PT Cruiser is a child’s embarrassment.

We can only hope SsangYong would do the humane thing and dump a few of their designs down there too. Look at the Stavic — a reminder of why you should not play with crayons at the end of a three-day opiate binge. This is a freak. A Serbian bouncer that has taken too many to the face and looks like he could start drooling at any moment.

SsangYong’s Stavic is a freaky bouncer.

Its cousin, the Korando, is equally offensive. Its rear should, under no circumstance ever be exposed to a minor; not even Larry Flynt has ever succeeded in producing anything this profane. It makes one think of a Steve Buscemi quandary: “Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he’s created?”

SsangYong Korando poses the unmentionable.

Some irresponsible parents have thought it a good idea to pick up their youngsters in a Chrysler PT Cruiser. The Americans wanted to hark back to their proud hot-rod era with this design and completely airballed the attempt. It failed there and yet far too many South Africans thought this rusted toaster would be a good idea.

Another that sold far too many is the Nissan Juke. It sits like a toad balancing uncomfortably on a pebble. The eyes peer above and between the bumper and straight into your nightmares. The fact that it still shipped the numbers it did is itself an argument against the merits of democracy.

The Nissan Juke is an uncomfortable toad.

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Luke Feltham
Luke Feltham is a features writer at the Mail & Guardian

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