Ian Fraser

Feel like walking around London, but our Mickey Mouse money prevents it? Why not do it online (I know it’s not the same, sorry) at London Streets. If, like me, you worry about one day being attacked by hordes of the living dead, there’s a company that offers a guaranteed zombie early-warning system.

They’re small, full of fluid, and need to be constantly fiddled with and looked after in order for them to work. No, I’m not talking about the collective brains of the ANC’s propaganda tool known as the ‘official press corps’, but rather the ongoing maintenance required to run a Zippo.

So you’ve had a wild and thoroughly debauched festive season, and now the dust has settled, you realise you shouldn’t have sold your soul to that nice gentleman one night. Luckily you can buy it back, go to the Soul Repurchase Program. Instead of doing deals with demons, just Learn To Dance properly.

So it’s not likely, but one day you might find yourself facing a shark, or be trapped in quicksand, or stuck in an aeroplane with a pilot who’s just died at the controls. Luckily for you, you took the time out to read through the expert solutions to these and other life-threatening situations.

Those of you who follow the news will have noticed that a European government resigned en masse recently, after being implicated in accidentally helping a massacre take place. Take a look at an online examination of what happened on The Road to Srebenica.

So you thought your computer was really powerful. How about a computer the size of two basketball courts, powered by over 8 000 microprocessors and using around 6 trillion bytes of memory? For info on the number one fastest computer in the world shuffle jealously towards The Top 500 Most Powerful Computers.

Some of you will have noticed the recent blowing up of a stranded whale on the coast — ‘whale put to sleep using dynamite’ sounds like the start of a rather tasteless comedy sketch routine — but anyway. Point being, instead of exploding the whale, there was another alternative.

What could be cooler than having dolls for the kids to play with? Why, having cute little Osama bin Laden dolls of course! Each doll is packed with a semi-automatic rifle, and a grenade. It’s real and it’s happy tasteless capitalism in action folks. Go stare at ‘Dirty Terrorist’ Dolls.

Still waiting for someone to lay criminal manslaughter charges against our President for his stance on HIV-AIDS – seeing as some might say he’s directly and indirectly causing more deaths than Apartheid ever did? Come on all you vengeful lawyers, put your tongue firmly in your cheek.

The Star Wars franchise lumbers on, and the next installment is not too far off from being released. So keep an eye on this next site, which features behind the scenes gossip and info from the high-security film set of <i>Star Wars Episode Two</i>.

Well it’s been another of those weeks. Some bimbo from hell in the government wants the press to be held accountable in case "a journalist writes something which causes the fall of the Rand". Let me be the first to test this, by saying the rand is toilet paper anyway, so who cares.

As a change to watching slaughter in the Middle East and getting far too serious about all that tacky irritating human suffering, the tone, this week, is light and fluffy (could this be the first column to compare itself to a decent French pastry?)

Okay, so the Harry Potter frenzy is upon us. If you can avoid all the merchandising hype, its actually a pretty good film all by itself. Trust me. Take a look at a fan site to get you into the swing of things – Muggle Net.

As we’re in the land of total corruption, rising crime and general incompetence – lets take a look at something truly relevant. A huge dust storm on Mars has caused the temperature of that planet to rise by an amazing 30 degrees Celsius.

Writing this the day before the first anniversary of 911, you have to feel sorry for the USA. They have a president in power who didn’t win the popular vote, a "Patriot Act" that’s removed a large quantity of its citizens rights and a sinister new "Homeland Security" department running rampant.

Mozart had it, and now thanks to the Internet, you can have it too! Tourette’s syndrome – or simply put, a joyful way of getting away with swearing violently in the midst of regular conversation. Take a look at the online Tourette’s syndrome simulator or read 150 000 alternative ways of saying ‘jerking off’.

A new film on the way is the amazing-to-look-at Disney flick ‘Monsters.Inc’ – created by the geniuses at Pixar Studios. The Disney flick ships with one of Pixar’s insanely funny shorts – if you have the bandwidth, take a look at the online samples of their short films at Pixar Studios.

Are you getting sick of unsolicited phone calls by telemarketing morons? Unfortunately it’s a world-wide phenomenon, but why not browse through the assorted ways of fighting back at Solicitors Nightmare as well as Anti-Telemarketing.

In much the same way as most of the British colonies across Africa sowed the seeds of their own destruction, the Internet has a similar ability to alter world society. Thanks to the Internet, the disenfranchised can now communicate with each other directly.

One of the most useful aspects of the Internet is its ability to present information that hasn’t been censored or passed through official filters, allowing you to see both sides of an issue and then make up your own mind. This is why the Internet is under attack from many governments.

So living under the ANC and all this democracy for killers and rapists has finally pushed you over the edge and towards the Dark Side. Cool! Now you need a guide towards becoming a horrifyingly evil person, like the guys in charge of local TV programming. Follow the path down at So You’ve Decided to be Evil.

So you’re a fast food fan, but you’re also doing that rich-people thing known as ‘dieting’ – and you’re curious about just what damage a quick takeaway drive-thru burger is going to do to you. For all your junk food data, stagger firmly to Nutrition in the Fast Lane.

The Earth Summit is upon us, and it’s worth remembering that world leaders often look good wearing a pie. Take a look at the Canadian Prime Minister getting a delicious-looking pie in the face – at Canadian Pie!, TAART! and Australian Pie!

Did you hear the one about the teenager who built his own nuclear reactor to get a boy scout merit badge? Believe it or not, this isn’t a joke. Take a read of the amazing story that’s been bouncing around online for some time, about one gifted teenager and his home made nuclear reactor.

There’s a new movie coming that I sneakily got to see recently – it’s about Jack the Ripper, and it’s based on Alan Moore’s classic graphic novel about the Ripper, freemasonry and beyond. First off, for a look at the official site, go to From Hell.

So you have a cat, and a laser scanner. Ever considered combining them? There’s a long-running site where you can browse the pix of people who’ve done this. And some of the pix are truly crazy. (NO cats get hurt while doing this – although I’m sure some fur gets ruffled.)

There’s a man in Oklahoma, who has an ongoing battle with prostitutes. He follows, films them in action, and then calls in the police. Presumably, he’s unaware of the great audience he’s attracted in allowing the rest of us to browse through pics. Be warned, some of the pictures are very revealing.

So. You’re the South African government and you want to snoop on your internet users. (Why? Well, that’s what budding dictatorships do). Take a look at a long page of emails between local military intelligence, security firms and spies to an overseas company that makes an online surveillance tool.

Remember years ago, spending twenty cents a time to play an arcade game involving a moving paddle at the bottom of the screen, a bouncing ball, and a row of bricks? No, don’t laugh — there wasn’t much else to do back then. You can now download a free clone of the classic Breakout game, and it’s called DX Ball 2.

When the going gets tough, the weird get weirder. Imagine a chanting Buddhist offering advertising space on her body, complete with chart showing the different payments per month, according to the area required. Yup, certain areas are VERY expensive to rent.