Ian Fraser

A PR person for Scientology sent me email, wanting to meet me and ‘find out my views’ – presumably because of my oblique ‘cult’ reference in this column a few weeks back. So before this Cult starts its usual dirty tricks (see below) – here’s the info they don’t want you to have.

Feel the need to stand on a street corner, or boogie on down at a rave, dressed in the finest mid-Seventies fashion — complete with a big Afro wig, purple jacket and yellow feather boa? Me too! So keep on trucking towards the bizarre retro fashions at Pimp Hats!

So you’ve had enough of the corruption and gross mismanagement of our current government, and you’ve decided that world domination is the best option, starting here. It’s not as easy as the movies would have you believe, though. Try <i>A Beginner’s Guide to Taking Over the World</i>.

Once upon a time, you could buy cocaine, opium, amphetamines and morphine in most shops. Many products were happily filled up with stuff that today, would get you busted – from the cocaine in Coca Cola through to arbitrary products like "Mrs Winslow’s Soothing Syrup.

Buried any pets lately? Well, why not join the ranks of grieving ex-animal owners, and post a tribute to your squished dog or cat, at The Online Pet Cemetery. Staying with creatures that have too much energy and brains that don’t quite grasp things like they should, how about Teenage Brains?

Let’s start this week’s column in the toilet. Literally. Pick your receptacle of pleasure, or merely send someone a great toilet-related postcard from the Toilet Museum. Next, their political party is world famous and consists of surreal, crazy and occasionally drunken people having a LOT of fun.

Well, the column is in a new home, with better walls, roofing and much better owners – that said, let’s dive into the newest, weirdest and latest online sites. In Copenhagen the local birdlife has taken to adopting various cellphone ring tones, presumably to stand out from the rest of the flock.

Fancy going up against a chicken, in a game of noughts and crosses, for $10 000? Well, you’d have to get to Las Vegas to do it in person – but here’s an article detailing how a bunch of specially trained chickens are – even as we speak – milking the gamblers at a casino right now.

He’s the ultimate dead parrot customer and Minister for Silly Walks, and known throughout the parts of the world that understand things like ‘comedy’. However, he’s not John Cleese, he’s a celebrity impersonator. Discover what life is like for someone Being John Cleese.

It seems to be only this country which treats its deaf citizens as if they’re morons. Watch local ‘designed for the deaf’ TV, and notice that the content seems laughably juvenile and pretty offensive to any deaf person with an IQ — because being deaf doesn’t mean ‘stupid’.

You know that feeling when looking for a telephone number and a bizarre name happens to catch your eye – well, you’re not alone. Have a look at a collection of names at The Funny Name Server. In keeping with this week’s ‘silly season’ theme, rejoice at the oodles of info to be gleaned from Useless Knowledge.

Okay let’s start off by looking at the animal known as Robert Mugabe. Just to demonstrate that it’s not only white people who can be deranged morons; take a read of this supposedly ‘African’ viewpoint of this Nazi neighbor our President likes holding hands with – at Mugabe The Man of 2001.

I didn’t realize that Zimbabwe’s new media laws prohibit anyone from making rude comments about Mugabe, and it doesn’t matter whether they’re inside the borders of that country or not. It’s now illegal to say anything rude about Mugabe, anywhere.

I think it was Churchill who when asked what constituted Naval traditions replied ‘Rum, Sodomy and the Lash’. So with that in mind, why not take a look at some of the happy songs all those sailors used to sing onboard their ships, at Work Songs of the Sea.

Okay, so you’re rich, bored, and you haven’t discovered that sending me money is a great way of making me happy. So what can you do? Before you try changing channels on your TV, why not browse through the options to be found at <i>101 Things To Do Before You Die</i>.

Local TV has decided to screen a BBC ‘conspiracies’ series, finally introducing the idea that the world is a lot sneakier than previously thought. So here’s a few more conspiracy things. Starting way back in time, try this interesting page from the 1960’s, of a journalist’s escape after Sharpeville.

There aren’t many webcams running locally, thanks to the expensive and lousy bandwidth most users have. For a fascinating glimpse and links into the world of webcams online, as well as the growing increase of kids with webcams trading for goodies try this excellent article from Salon.

If you’re new to computers, then you’ll have discovered the wall of jargon before. But don’t get embarrassed: just try these next sites where you can look up whatever word you want, and find out exactly what it means. Try the Geek-Speak IT Glossary; then File Formats.

The Internet is a useful tool, providing people worldwide with a way to find information they otherwise couldn’t get their hands on, as well as letting them do things that normally they wouldn’t. So let’s look at some useful and silly sites — eg you could always Send Someone Some Doggy Doo!

You’ve heard of the various sex scandals involving the Catholic Church, which have strangely been allowed to receive mass media coverage over the last few months – despite this having been common knowledge for decades.

Conspiracies, weirdness and cutting edge science (and stupidity) this week. Let’s start arbitrarily with WW2, or rather, just afterwards. Did you know that the US allegedly killed some 1,2-million German POW’s after WW2 ended? Follow the links and decide for yourself at German POW Slaughter.

So you’ve worked out that everyone on the road except you is a moron. But there’s still the chance that you could fall victim to an attack of road rage at some point. Take a look at a site designed to provide a useful outlet to drivers. Reach for the gun as you step out of the car en route to Above Average Driver.

If you’ve watched some of the I-Max films and wondered how easily they got made, given the huge cameras required, then take a look at the trials and tribulations of a team making an I-Max movie on the Galápagos Islands. Run for the nearest shopping mall or be ready to meet Nature doing its own thing.

The UN Summit is getting closer, and China is fighting to prevent the Dalai Lama’s party from being allowed to attend. Not content with invading Tibet and continuing a policy of systematic rape, terrorism and occupation of that country China thinks it can make friends with our Government.

Need something to make you go ‘Awwwww cute’? Take a slow browse through the available pictures at the simple, but effective, Random Cute Kitten Picture Generator. Of course, if you’d rather see kittens blown up by landmines, (and who wouldn’t, let’s be honest) try Kitty Mine!

One of the joys of being alive is being able to be thoroughly disenchanted and cynical over and over again – and now there’s online support for this growing positive antisocial attitude. Take a stroll through over 700 reasons to be cynical, and read the goodies on offer at The Cynics Dictionary.

If – like me – you feel that Leon Shuster is doing to film, what the rest of us to do toilet paper, then be of good cheer, because there’re a couple of really good films heading our way, both of which deserve some advance info and background.

Okay, I’ve decided that a number of local politicians need a serious beating, and I’m the person to help organise this. How, you ask? Well, browsing on E-Bay, I found an auction offer for a "real Ass-Kicking" (by a 6 ft, 250 pound American).

Just to show that journalism isn’t necessarily the last refuge of ethics and morality – for some quick and alarming reading – take a look at a collection of the ‘stinkiest media moments of 2001’ (and some of them are pretty darn stinky and frightening to boot) at Media Beat.

Feel like walking around London, but our Mickey Mouse money prevents it? Why not do it online (I know it’s not the same, sorry) at London Streets. If, like me, you worry about one day being attacked by hordes of the living dead, there’s a company that offers a guaranteed zombie early-warning system.