`Gauties’ who’ve been left behind this Christmas need not despair, writes Hazel Friedman: they’ve got the wildest wildlife
IT’S that time of the year again and the Great Trek to trendoid holiday spots is already well under way. To those depressed “Gauties” who’ve been left behind, the only way of getting into the festive spirit might be getting out of it.
But don’t despair: so we don’t have snow, sea or even a mountain, but there’s nothing to touch our wildlife. And this year, Christmas in the new Gauteng could well be one of the wildest yet.
“This Christmas we want our customers to get stuffed,” say Ed and Clive, co-owners of Quasimodo’s Bistro in Troyeville, a multi-culti suburb that is fast becoming the hunting ground for the new bohemia. Instead of offering the usual festive fare of turkey, gammon and pig, Ed and Clive will serve “stuffing”. They promise exotic stuffings, simple stuffings and traditional stuffings.
Between pig-outs, diners can take a nostalgic trip down memory lane into strawberry fields and blue grass by tuning into Quasimodo’s resident musos. Alternatively, they could simply get vrot at the restaurant’s Victor Hugo bar, which was completed just in time for Christmas.
Then there’s the Fairview Cafe, otherwise known as Bob’s Bar or the Nervous Barmaid (for reasons unknown). Owned by artist Robert Weineck and filmmakers Brenda Goldblatt and Guilio Bicarri, Bob’s is the watering hole of choice for those who still hanker after the old Harbour Cafe; the new retro chic haunt for artists, actors, filmmakers, media barflies and the occasional dinosaur from the north.
What you can expect from Bob’s this Christmas is probably much of what you’ve been getting since its opening in August: celebrity cook-ins, movies and round-the-clock mating games.
The newest addition to the bistros and bars of Troyeville, in all its cheap colonial splendour, is Kitchen Boy. Once a rodent-infested pet shop on Op de Berghen Street, it is the brainchild of Braam Kruger, celebrity cook, columnist, artist and self-confessed master of the happy accident.
Fromthe outside, Kitchen Boy resembles a cross between an old movie house, an ice-cream parlour and brothel, replete with winking neons.
The interior can be best described as eclectic kitsch, with relics of mandarin temples and sculpted replicas of Boticelli’s Venus clutching her crotch, phalluses on the tables, a splash of Eurotrash here and a dash of the Orient there.
Kruger wouldn’t have it any other way. “This is going to be a truly multi-cultural restaurant, a showcase for all kinds of creative cooking,” he says. In addition to offering a weekly menu (probably scrawled in graffiti on the wall), he has invited culinary experts into the kitchen, which is in full view of the patrons.
But while Kitchen Boy will offer the most “inclusive”, representative cuisine this side of the equator, its clientele will be “exclusively” handpicked by Kruger himself. The restaurant is set to open on December 26, but in the spirit of goodwill, Kruger will be throwing an “orphans’ Christmas party” on Christmas day. If his previous parties are anything to go by, this one should last well into the new year.
If you’re happy in the nether regions of Troyeville, you might also want to try Haddaways, a new club that recently opened next to Black Steers in Yeoville. Distinctly upmarket in ambience, it is situated somewhere between Rockey Street and Rosebank.
It is equipped with pool tables, an ongoing onslaught of sports and music videos, a dance floor and a kitchen offering standards like prego rolls, burgers and salads. FromDecember 26 it will be open day and night, providing a sanctuary for TV sports junkies and after-hours club crawlers alike.