What with Christmas only six weeks away and the new “Unintel Inside” postal services in full delay mode, I thought it might be prudent to spend this and the next column getting in a few early suggestions for ideal Yuletide gifts. Here they are, a list of what I think are offbeat but also very useful presents to be tucked under the tree this December 25. Imaginative and sometimes frankly expensive, these gifts are challenging and worthwhile.
Firstly, how about a crate of eco-hostile KrautStop AXL, which is one of the new range of non-biodegradable tourist- repellent sprays. KrautStop AXL is manufactured in Parow Industria to an ancient recipe worked out by leading 12th- century acolithic toxologists in Kurdish Iconidolatric monasteries. The Kurdish genethliacs used to keep great leather- lined vats of this particular concoction near at hand, so they’d have something lethal to empty over passing Christians. In its 20th-century version, this wonder vermicide is called KrautStop AXL and, in its village-strength version is known to send any European gapemouth tourist to an untimely and agonising death.
KrautStop AXL is marketed in quantities suitable for most applications, right up to the giant economy size Monument Pack, which is a 250-litre drum, complete with stirrup pump, full instructions and a CD of Marlene Dietrich singing the Horst Wessel Lied as an attractant.
Spray a 20% solution of Krautstop in an unbroken but invisible line around your local monument, museum, botanic garden or battle site, and particularly around all the viewing spots overlooking your once- charming bucolic village. Let alone all the Schneiders, Mogenndorfs and Himmlers, virtually all tourists will find that even passing contact with KrautStop has immediate effect.
A minute or so after coming into such contact, the first signs of neuronal dysfunction become manifest as the tourists begin to hallucinate. Believing their cameras have turned into giant pessaries, they all fall to the ground and try to stuff their Minoltas up each others’ fundi. Eventually they all defecate themselves to death and their bus drivers only find them hours later, each one lying on his or her back in little violet pools of Europoo.
KrautStop AXL is effective on most known European-originating tourist-pestlife, though in the case of Belgians, double- strength is recommended. KrautStop can also be acquired in prescriptions for specialist applications, like Zap-a-Jap, Die-Dago-Die and YidRid.
Second, here’s a cheap and fun-to-use gift for someone in your ambit who can’t afford to waste her time on the sort of bureaucratic courtesies all the lower-class rainbow plebs are expected to observe. This is the new Home Assembly Instant Driving Licence being marketed by Deputy Speaker Enterprises Inc.
The Instant Driving Licence – affectionately known as a “Baleka” – comes in easy-to-assemble kit form, including all the necessary paperwork, a blank driver’s licence book with space for your photograph. There’s also a set of amazingly accurate imitation official stamps so that, once assembled, you can adorn your new “Baleka” with democratic-looking injunctions. (Ink-pads not included.)
And just a quickie to round off this week. If it gets out on time, there’s a book being flung together on the life and times of Louise Woodward, the English au pair who has become known as “The Killer Nanny of Cambridge Mass”.
Called The Woodward Files, this book transcribes recordings during secret interviews with Woodward’s grandmother, where she confesses to having taken part in satanic baby-cookouts with a notorious lesbian Sky Television announcer. Including a free copy of Elton “Cheshire” John’s new arrangement, Candle in the Minge, the book should be on the shelves by early December.