Andy Capostagno Cricket
Spare a thought for our national selectors. While the pyjama game goes merrily on its way around the country, attracting full houses from Johannesburg to Paarl, Peter Pollock and his cohorts have to sort out a squad to play proper cricket on a proper cricket tour. To whit, five tests against England for four months starting in May.
Playing hit and giggle against Sri Lanka and Pakistan is fun, but in terms of preparing a side to spend four months in England, it’s like starting your child on a pennywhistle when he wants to play the trombone. The selectors are not helped by the fact that the first class competition in this country ended three weeks ago and the only cricketers able to show their wares now are the pyjama-ed poltroons (the equivalent of Kipling’s flanneled fools).
But there’s no point complaining about it, the task has to be done. So let’s have a go. Pull on your hair shirt and join me on the selection panel.
First write down your definites for the Test team. Allan Donald, Shaun Pollock, Gary Kirsten, Daryll Cullinan, Hansie Cronje, Mark Boucher. Oh dear, is that all? Well, okay, perhaps we’re being a bit harsh. Add on Jacques Kallis with a reminder that he’s on borrowed time, despite his one-day heroics, and Makhaya Ntini who, given the statements emerging from the United Cricket Board regarding disadvantaged representation in the national side, must play if he is better than 75% fit. That gives us eight names. We need 16. You begin to see the problem?
So let’s fill in the gaps. First of all, Kirsten needs an opening partner. Maybe it’s Adam Bacher, despite his chronic lack of runs of late. Then again, maybe it’s Kallis, who filled the role admirably for Middlesex last season and perhaps needs a change of scenery in the batting order to produce his best.
If that’s the case, who bats three? Maybe it’s Bacher, who began his Test career there. Many sides in England, including England themselves, have begun the order with three opening batsmen. Maybe it’s HD Ackerman. He was found wanting by quality spin against Pakistan and Sri Lanka, but England haven’t got a quality spinner.
Okay, we’ll come back to that. Cullinan bats four, Hansie five, Pollock six and Boucher seven. Nice. Five batters, two of whom bowl very respectable seam up, the best all-rounder in the world and a fast improving wicket-keeper who bats very well indeed.
Now the trouble starts. Donald and Ntini fill two of the last four spots, who else. At least one must be a spinner and, given the shirtfront nature of most Test strips in England, the preference is for two. Paul Adams must be one of them. He bowls wrist spin and the English do not play wrist spin well.
Adams is also, it irks me to remind my fellow selectors, the right colour, in other words, not white.
The final spot must go to Pat Symcox, if only to remove him from the record books as being among the unfortunate few who have scored a century in their final Test match. At number eight, Symcox stiffens the batting and, when it comes to fielding, the sledging.
Despite being targeted by a few inverse racists with the collective IQ of a fence post, Symcox still wants to play and in England, where off-spin is still taken seriously, he should be given his chance. So, if we play spin the bottle and select Ackerman as our number three, we have a team. A team with a quality new-ball attack, contrasting spinners and a couple of back-up options.
It’s a bit thin on batting if the top order don’t pull their weight, but picking a sixth batsman is a defensive move and it would mean dropping a spinner, thereby diluting the attack which needs to take 20 wickets to win a Test.
Now comes the difficult bit. Who are the five who are not gonna jive? There for back-up if injuries intervene, there to push the incumbents for their test places. Received wisdom is that a second wicket-keeper will be selected. Step forward Nic Pothas, a much-improved glove-man and strong bat who might have taken all of Boucher’s plaudits if selected first and may yet prove the better player.
Now we need two batters and two bowlers. Batting first. Who do you prefer out of Jonty Rhodes, Herschelle Gibbs, Gerhardus Liebenberg, Adam Bacher, Andrew Hudson, Neil McKenzie, Louis Koen? I could go on. No, I don’t know either. Because he has a strong mind, I’ll take Bacher and because he might yet prove to be a superstar, Gibbs.
Bowling now. Lance Klusener must go as back-up to Pollock if he breaks down. No need to take a third spinner, so as the extra seamer, who? Steve Elworthy? Mornantau Hayward? Greg Smith? No, we must have back-up for Ntini and therefore, right or wrong, it must be Roger Telemachus.
So what’s the squad? Gary Kirsten, Jacques Kallis, HD Ackerman, Daryll Cullinan, Hansie Cronje , Shaun Pollock, Mark Boucher, Pat Symcox, Allan Donald, Paul Adams, Makhaya Ntini, Herschelle Gibbs, Adam Bacher, Lance Klusener, Roger Telemachus and Nic Pothas.
Well that was easy, and we only pissed-off eight people who were mentioned and about the same number who weren’t. What if we take 17 instead of 16? Hey this selection business is fun.
And so on, ad infinitum.