lift the trophy
Andrew Muchineripi World Cup
Sick and tired of reading about the brilliant Brazilians? So am I. There are 31 other teams you know, including our beloved Bafana Bafana.
It begins next Wednesday evening in Paris when Ronaldo and his mates meet Scotland the Brave and continues until the final on July 12.
Ever eager to publicly humiliate myself, I have visited the local sangoma, spoken to my ancestors, thrown the bones and come up with this scenario for the eight first-round groups.
GROUP A
While defending champions Brazil coast through with a 100% record, Morocco, Norway and Scotland will engage in a three-way struggle to determine who joins them.
Norway are the form team having put six past the Saudi Arabians last week, while Morocco are battling to get destroyer-in-chief Noureddine Naybet and creator-in-chief Mustapha Hadji fit.
Scotland have a mean defence, a midfield consisting of one thoroughbred in John Collins and many workhorses, and an attack that relies too heavily on Kevin Gallacher.
Prediction: 1 Brazil, 2 Norway, 3 Scotland, 4 Morocco
Fixtures: June 10 – Brazil vs Scotland 5.30pm South African time, Morocco vs Norway 9pm, June 16 – Norway vs Scotland 5.30pm, Brazil vs Morocco 9pm, June 23 – Brazil vs Norway 9pm, Morocco vs Scotland 9pm.
GROUP B
A similar situation to the previous pool with three-time champions Italy the likely winners and little to choose between Cameroon, Chile and Austria for the other qualifying spot.
Italy have such strength in depth that the late withdrawal of injured goalkeeper Angelo Peruzzi is no reason for coach Cesare Maldini to seek the nearest high-rise.
Expect Cameroon under new French coach Claude le Roy to improve greatly on a dismal African Nations Cup showing, Chile have great strikers in Ivan Zamorano and Marcelo Salas and Austria have been too bad to be true lately.
Prediction: 1 Italy, 2 Cameroon, 3 Chile, 4 Austria
Fixtures: June 11 – Chile vs Italy 5.30pm, Austria vs Cameroon 9pm, June 17 – Austria vs Chile 5.30pm, Cameroon vs Italy 9pm, June 23 – Austria vs Italy 4pm, Cameroon vs Chile 4pm
GROUP C
Hosts France and former European champions Denmark were considered certainties when the draw was made with Saudi Arabia and South Africa fighting for third place.
While home advantage should ensure French qualification, the Danes have not impressed in build-up matches, losing at home to Norway and in Sweden. Bafana Bafana must play for 90 minutes like they did for 45 in Argentina to have a realistic chance while the Saudis are an enigma; good against England, awful in Norway.
Prediction: 1 France, 2 South Africa, 3 Denmark, 4 Saudi Arabia
Fixtures: June 12 – Denmark vs Saudi Arabia 5.30pm, France vs South Africa 9pm, June 18 – Denmark vs South Africa 5.30pm, France vs Saudi Arabia 9pm, June 24 – France vs Denmark 4pm, Saudi Arabia vs South Africa 4pm
GROUP D
D stands for death and to Bulgaria, Nigeria, Paraguay and Spain falls the dubious distinction of competing in the Group of Death. Every competition has one and France cannot be an exception.
The match between Nigeria and Spain promises to be among the best of the first round (if not the tournament) and should decide who wins the group and who finishes runners-up.
Bulgaria were surprise semi-finalists last time round and the same ageing squad are back while Paraguay have goalkeeper Jose-Luis Chilavert (scores from free kicks and punches critical journalists) and little else.
Prediction: 1 Spain, 2 Nigeria, 3 Bulgaria, 4 Paraguay
Fixtures: June 12 – Bulgaria vs Paraguay, 2.30pm, June 13 – Nigeria vs Spain 2.30pm, June 19 – Bulgaria vs Nigeria 5.30pm, Paraguay vs Spain 9pm, June 24 – Bulgaria vs Spain 9pm, Nigeria vs Paraguay 9pm
GROUP E
E stands for easy and neighbours Belgium and Holland should not experience too much trouble qualifying at the expense of modest rivals Mexico and South Korea.
Belgium are wonderful competitors while lacking the sort of individual talent the Dutch have in midfielder Marc Overmars and striker Dennis Bergkamp from Arsenal.
Perennial qualifiers Mexico will sorely miss the 114E000 crowds that back them at home while those three-part South Korean names may trouble commentators more than opponents.
Prediction: 1 Holland, 2 Belgium, 3 Mexico, 4 South Korea
Fixtures: June 13 – Mexico vs South Korea 5.30pm, Belgium vs Holland 9pm, June 20 – Belgium vs Mexico 5.30pm, Holland vs South Korea 9pm, June 25 – Holland vs Mexico 4pm, Belgium vs South Korea 4pm
GROUP F
Another clear-cut pool (on paper) with three-time champions Germany and Yugoslavia looking in a different league to strange bedfellows the United States and Iran.
However, by far the most interesting match comes on June 21 in Lyon when arch political foes the United States and Iran clash (not literally, we hope.) The Great Satan versus The Terror Centre. Fasten your safety belts!
Germany always do well because they never stop battling no matter how desperate the situation. The Yugoslavs are the Brazil of Europe and boast a star striker in Predrag Mijatovic.
Prediction: 1 Germany, 2 Yugoslavia, 3 United States, 4 Iran
Fixtures: June 14 – Iran vs Yugoslavia 5.30pm, June 15 – Germany vs United States 9pm, June 21 – Germany vs Yugoslavia 2.30pm, Iran vs United States 9pm, June 25 – Germany vs Iran 9pm, United States vs Yugoslavia 9pm
GROUP G
Hopefully Paul Gascoigne will have stopped crying by the time this pool gets under way with England (what a sorry lot they looked against Saudi Arabia) still clinging to the belief that they can win the cup.
Each member of the Muchineripi clan is prepared to eat one page of your favourite newspaper (sans salt or sauce) should this terrible event actually occur.
Tunisia have a gifted playmaker in Zoubeir Beya and little else, the Romanian squad will be released from a geriatric ward for the tournament and Colombia have flattered only to deceive so many times that we cannot trust them.
Prediction: 1 England, 2 Romania, 3 Tunisia, 4 Colombia
Fixtures: June 15 – England vs Tunisia 2.30pm, Colombia vs Romania 5.30pm, June 22 – Colombia vs Tunisia 5.30pm, England vs Romania 9pm, June 26 – Colombia vs England 9pm, Tunisia vs Romania 9pm
GROUP H
Argentina, certain of at least a semi- finals place according to the legendary Pele, could probably win this group with their eyes closed, their hands in cuffs and their legs shackled.
Croatia possess only a couple world- class players so the loss through injury of beanpole striker Alen Boksic is a terrible blow as it leaves Davor Suker as a lone(ly) ranger.
Jamaica and Japan share a few things . the first letter of their names is j, they are appearing for the first time, and they will be flying home after the first round.
Prediction: 1 Argentina, 2 Croatia, 3 Japan, 4 Jamaica
Fixtures: June 14 – Argentina vs Japan 2.30pm, Croatia vs Jamaica 9pm, June 20 – Croatia vs Japan 2.30pm, June 21 – Argentina vs Jamaica 3.30pm, June 26 – Argentina vs Croatia 4pm, Jamaica vs Japan 4pm.